Another suggestion my counselor had for me was to get rid of all the "what if" thoughts in my head. She said I should write them down and also write down a positive for every "what if" thought that I have. So, that is what I am going to do.
Of course, my biggest one has been "what if I gain all my weight back, and everyone laughs at me for being a failure." What if I do? I am healthier, both physically and mentally, now than a year ago when I was a lot thinner.
What if God hadn't allowed me to go through the struggles of an eating disorder? I wouldn't have had to deal with all this crap! What if He uses me because of it? What if Beth, or one of her friends, or a friend, or another mom, or whomever, opens up to me that she, too, is struggling with an eating disorder? I can tell her 100% that I understand.
What if God had just given me a "normal" childhood? What if my mom didn't have an addiction and I didn't need to go through nights and days of the pains of a parent with an addiction? What if God uses me because of that?
What if my mom and dad read my blog? What if my brother and sister-in-law read it? What will they think? What if they won't acknowledge me anymore? What if they hate me for it? There is nothing more painful to me than that thought. But what if, for some reason, they might find healing in it? What if they are proud of me for doing it?
What if everyone around me really doesn't like me and they are just pretending? What if I really am high strung and no one can stand to be around me? What if I walk in a room and people cringe? What if, when I sing on the praise team, I sound absolutely terrible, but yet no one dares to tell me the truth? What if I am so ugly that no one wants to look at me? What if I am really, truley, all alone? What if....what if.....what if.......
One of my favorite verses is Proverbs 3:5. "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding."
Maybe if I stopped leaning on my own understanding, I would see more of what God is doing with my life!
What if everyone around me does like me and they aren't pretending? Than how blessed am I with so many wonderful friends! And what if I am high strung? Maybe that makes me fun to be around! What if, when I walk in a room, God uses my smile to brighten it up? What if I really, truly sound good singing? I'm not looking to go professional, but what if I'm not bad either? Then I pray the joy God gives me when I sing is spread to those around me? And what if I am ugly? Does it really matter? You see, there is going to be a day when I am going to dance with my Almighty King. He is waiting for me. And how could I possibly stand face to face with my Creator and question my beauty? The very One who made me just how I am. I will be stunning!!!! That is all that matters!
One of my absolute favorite artists is Francesca Battistelli. LOVE HER!!! One of her songs is called Behind The Scenes. The words are: "You may think I'm just fine. How could anything ever be out of line? I take my time to set the stage, to make sure everything is all in place. Even though I've got the lines rehearsed, a picture only paints a thousand words. Things aren't always what they seem. You're only seeing part of me. There's more than you could ever know behind the scenes..." That's how I feel a lot. Especially when I go to church, or bible study. I want people to think everything is just fine. Perfect. But how tired I am of that. What if I showed up next Sunday just being ME? Would people still like me? What if I'm really crabby? What if my hair isn't "just so"? What if...what if...what if......
I think it is high time I stopped leaning on my own understandings. I must trust in the Lord with all my heart! He is the only one I want to live for!
God bless you!
Monday, July 26, 2010
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
C-R-A-B-B-Y
Today was just one of those days. I was just so crabby! It all started when the dry-wall guy (we are finally adding a bathroom onto our master bedroom)showed up at 7:00 this morning. That was just a little TOO early. Then my boys did nothing but fight with each other all day. If I need to hear "MMMMMOOOOOOOMMMMMM!" one more time, I am going to scream! And because our house is "under construction", it is a complete mess! And that makes me crabby! Also, I was looking at a picture that our neighbor took today of Jim and I. I got so upset. I actually called Jim a liar because the woman I saw in that picture (me) was very heavy and not very pretty! How can he possibly tell me I'm beautiful and looking "healthy"! I didn't feel good, I was tired, and I had just plain had it. I was sick of putting on my "happy face", pretending I was all good. I wanted to just be by myself, feel sorry for myself. Have a pity party.
As I was outside working in my flower garden, feeling sorry for myself, a thought crossed my mind. Isn't it wonderful that my heavenly Papa doesn't get crabby with me? He promises us that He will never leave us or forsake us. Isn't that awesome? I can be as crabby as I want (okay, maybe not how I want), and He is still there, waiting with His arms wide open for me. Talk about melting away those crabby's!
My crabby day ended on a great note, though. We spent the evening hanging out with our friends at their pool. But these aren't just ordinary friends. These are friends who we call family. They have seen the worst of me, the tears, the scrawny-ness, the fear. And they have seen the best of me, my high strung-ness (is that a word?) Anyway, and they still seem to love me just the same.
What a gift from God, isn't it? When we are given those people in our lives that love us just how we are.
Just how we are. Beautiful!
God bless you!
As I was outside working in my flower garden, feeling sorry for myself, a thought crossed my mind. Isn't it wonderful that my heavenly Papa doesn't get crabby with me? He promises us that He will never leave us or forsake us. Isn't that awesome? I can be as crabby as I want (okay, maybe not how I want), and He is still there, waiting with His arms wide open for me. Talk about melting away those crabby's!
My crabby day ended on a great note, though. We spent the evening hanging out with our friends at their pool. But these aren't just ordinary friends. These are friends who we call family. They have seen the worst of me, the tears, the scrawny-ness, the fear. And they have seen the best of me, my high strung-ness (is that a word?) Anyway, and they still seem to love me just the same.
What a gift from God, isn't it? When we are given those people in our lives that love us just how we are.
Just how we are. Beautiful!
God bless you!
Monday, July 19, 2010
Tarnished Tiara
Today we celebrated my daughters 12th birthday. Our oldest child, our only girl. Someone please tell me where in the world the past 12 years went? What happened to my little pig-tailed girl running around in cute little outfits with matching socks and hair bows? I'll tell you what happened. The little pig-tails have now turned into a ponytail with a head band. The cute little outfits have turned into adorable, expensive outfits. And heaven forbid they have matching socks or even a hairbow! Those cute, squeezable cheeks now don make-up and zits. And what is with the hormonal attitude????? One minute she's laughing, then all of a sudden she is yelling at her brothers, and then, poof, she's crying. OVER WHAT??????? But one thing is for sure. She is absolutely beautiful. In fact, she is stunning!
When I first started my blog, she wanted to read it. I told her no. I never have told her anything about my eating disorder. I always tried to keep it from her. She didn't need to know that. Why? Because that would make me imperfect in her eyes. When Beth was born, the minute the doctor said it was a girl, I made it my life mission to be the best mom to her ever. Since my mom and I had no real relationship, I knew this must be God's way of allowing me that chance to have that mother/daughter relationship I always dreamed of. Right? So why should she have to know about this? Her persistence paid off on her end. I was so frustrated with her nagging me I gave in. I said "fine, read it", and walked away. No longer was I "perfect" in her eyes. She was now finding out the truth. Just like all of you who read this.
So what's the big deal anyway? Everyone knows I'm not perfect. And why would I want my daughter to think I'm perfect? I mean, really! Do I want her to be struggling with something and not want to come to me because I'm "perfect"? Absolutely not! That's not me. I'm real. Whether you like it or not. I'm flawed. My tiara is tarnished. Or is it? Just when I start to think that I am not worth much, my King, my Papa, gently reminds me just how beautiful I am to Him. All of a sudden, my tiara isn't tarnished anymore. In fact, it's gleaming.
How do I make sure Beth knows she is beautiful? How do I make sure all the women in my life know they are beautiful. My sister-in-laws, my cousins, my aunts, my sisters in Christ, my mom-in-law.....my mom? A couple of months ago, I swallowed my pride and took my mom out for lunch. I wanted her to explain more of her childhood. Maybe it would help me understand her addiction more. I told her I thought she was beautiful. I meant it. She said no one ever told her that before. If someone would have told her, everyday, that she was beautiful, would that have made a difference in her life? Would she not have become addicted to pills? Jim tells me everyday that I am beautiful. I have a hard time believing this, but is that what has helped me overcome my eating disorder? Maybe.
Maybe us women need to start telling each other, everyday, just how beautiful we are. You know what kind of an impact the media has on us women with what we should look like. If we could see each other for who we really are, for the beautiful women that we are,even with all our flaws, then the media wouldn't stand a chance with us! Now there's a thought!
God bless you!
When I first started my blog, she wanted to read it. I told her no. I never have told her anything about my eating disorder. I always tried to keep it from her. She didn't need to know that. Why? Because that would make me imperfect in her eyes. When Beth was born, the minute the doctor said it was a girl, I made it my life mission to be the best mom to her ever. Since my mom and I had no real relationship, I knew this must be God's way of allowing me that chance to have that mother/daughter relationship I always dreamed of. Right? So why should she have to know about this? Her persistence paid off on her end. I was so frustrated with her nagging me I gave in. I said "fine, read it", and walked away. No longer was I "perfect" in her eyes. She was now finding out the truth. Just like all of you who read this.
So what's the big deal anyway? Everyone knows I'm not perfect. And why would I want my daughter to think I'm perfect? I mean, really! Do I want her to be struggling with something and not want to come to me because I'm "perfect"? Absolutely not! That's not me. I'm real. Whether you like it or not. I'm flawed. My tiara is tarnished. Or is it? Just when I start to think that I am not worth much, my King, my Papa, gently reminds me just how beautiful I am to Him. All of a sudden, my tiara isn't tarnished anymore. In fact, it's gleaming.
How do I make sure Beth knows she is beautiful? How do I make sure all the women in my life know they are beautiful. My sister-in-laws, my cousins, my aunts, my sisters in Christ, my mom-in-law.....my mom? A couple of months ago, I swallowed my pride and took my mom out for lunch. I wanted her to explain more of her childhood. Maybe it would help me understand her addiction more. I told her I thought she was beautiful. I meant it. She said no one ever told her that before. If someone would have told her, everyday, that she was beautiful, would that have made a difference in her life? Would she not have become addicted to pills? Jim tells me everyday that I am beautiful. I have a hard time believing this, but is that what has helped me overcome my eating disorder? Maybe.
Maybe us women need to start telling each other, everyday, just how beautiful we are. You know what kind of an impact the media has on us women with what we should look like. If we could see each other for who we really are, for the beautiful women that we are,even with all our flaws, then the media wouldn't stand a chance with us! Now there's a thought!
God bless you!
Saturday, July 17, 2010
The "D" Word
When I was going through the roughest time of my eating disorder, there was I time I was sitting in my counselors office and telling her I couldn't do it anymore. I just wanted it to all go away. She said to me, "Jen, I think it's time we talk about medicine." She told me that eating disorders and depression go hand in hand. I did not want to go down this road. I grew up with a mom who was addicted to pretty much any type of pills she could get her hands on. She would go from doctor to doctor, from city to different city, just so that she could get more pills. She would buy energy pills, diet pills, prescription pills, and she would take them all, at the same time. She would then, of course, overdose, and start to seizure. Let me tell you, as a young girl, there is nothing more scary than seeing your mom convulsing on the floor. At one point in time, she was diagnosed with depression and given medication. Which she took all at one time. I made it my life's goal to not be her. I wanted to prove to my dad that I was not going to be like my mom. So when my counselor told me I had depression and need medicine, you can about imagine the sick feeling in my stomach. I DID NOT WANT TO BE MY MOM! But, I listened to my counselor, and agreed to start medicine. And what a difference it has made, and what do you know, I didn't turn into my mom!
It is amazing to me that I have hung in here this long without medicine. I look back on the past years and I know I have been dealing with depression for quite some time. Hhhmmm....I wonder why. There have been several times over the last few years where I just didn't want to deal with life anymore. About a year and a half ago a very dear friend took her own life. She, too, didn't want to deal with life anymore, and she actually decided to end it. I remember how mad I was. But I can't say it was 100% because she did this to "us". I think part of it was because she didn't need to deal with life anymore, and I did. Isn't that sad? I remember sitting on our steps one night after putting our kids to bed and just praying that God would not let me wake up in the morning. So, yes, I do believe it was time for me to get help from medicine.
A couple of weeks ago, someone at church said I was "high strung". Now I know he meant well. He is such a great guy, and I know he didn't mean to hurt me, but it did. I have always been "bubbly", but let me tell you, you mix Prozac with bubbly, and I guess you get high strung. When I stop to think about it, I would much rather be high strung than wishing I didn't need to wake up in the morning. I would much rather be high strung and enjoying food than being depressed, super skinny, and not enjoying food. God is good.
Depression is not fun, and it is so real. We can't hide this anymore. We need to talk about it. We need to be here for each other. I know I am not the only one taking medication for depression. I know I'm not! We need to stick together, get through it together, and wear those tiara's proudly!
God bless you!
It is amazing to me that I have hung in here this long without medicine. I look back on the past years and I know I have been dealing with depression for quite some time. Hhhmmm....I wonder why. There have been several times over the last few years where I just didn't want to deal with life anymore. About a year and a half ago a very dear friend took her own life. She, too, didn't want to deal with life anymore, and she actually decided to end it. I remember how mad I was. But I can't say it was 100% because she did this to "us". I think part of it was because she didn't need to deal with life anymore, and I did. Isn't that sad? I remember sitting on our steps one night after putting our kids to bed and just praying that God would not let me wake up in the morning. So, yes, I do believe it was time for me to get help from medicine.
A couple of weeks ago, someone at church said I was "high strung". Now I know he meant well. He is such a great guy, and I know he didn't mean to hurt me, but it did. I have always been "bubbly", but let me tell you, you mix Prozac with bubbly, and I guess you get high strung. When I stop to think about it, I would much rather be high strung than wishing I didn't need to wake up in the morning. I would much rather be high strung and enjoying food than being depressed, super skinny, and not enjoying food. God is good.
Depression is not fun, and it is so real. We can't hide this anymore. We need to talk about it. We need to be here for each other. I know I am not the only one taking medication for depression. I know I'm not! We need to stick together, get through it together, and wear those tiara's proudly!
God bless you!
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
A love/hate relationship
Do you know what I hate? I hate swimsuits! And I also hate the fact that most of my clothes from last summer don't even come close to fitting. And I hate going shopping and grabbing a size that I am SURE will fit, only to find out it is WAY too small. I hate all these advertisements for weight lose programs. Every time I turn on the TV or open up a magazine, it's all right there. "You, too can loose 25 pounds by tomorrow following our plan." "Look good for the swimsuit season by doing this." "Work your way to a flatter tummy." UUUGGGGGG! And do you know what else I hate? All this talk about everyone running!
Okay, okay, okay. Hold on a minute. Before you get all defensive and chew me out, please hear me out. Remember I am trying to overcome this whole eating disorder thing. So there are a lot of things that are hard for me, and may not be hard for you. Remember, I vowed to be honest here.
Sure, there are some really cute swimsuits out there. In fact, now I know this may be a rare occasion (at least it is for me), but don't you feel so good when you find just that right bathing suit, and you really do feel good in it? I do. I get it home. I put it on when it's time to go to the pool or beach, feeling all confident. Walk to the pool or up to the beach, and then WHAM! There she is. Some chic, my age, with kids, and looking fabulous! And super skinny to boot. All of a sudden I feel like every single roll on my body is protruding 15 extra inches! My confidence just went down the tube.
And all this talk about running. Before I elaborate on that, may I please just say that there are many of you that will read this that are very, very dear friends of mine that are running for an extremely good cause right now. I love all of you so very much and my life would not be the same without you. It is not you that I dislike, it is the running. Why? Because while all of you are running and loosing weight, I am sitting here not running, or even exercising for that matter, and gaining weight. So while you are proud of how far you have run, and post it for all to see, I am feeling worse and worse about myself. Why can't you just keep that to yourselves? (okay, not really, I just needed to get that off my chest. Thanks)
And speaking of me gaining weight, that brings me to another thing that I hate. GAINING WEIGHT! Apparently, last year, I was "too skinny". Not quite sure if that is possible. And this year, I am "healthy looking". Okay, so let me figure this out. When I think of someone looking "healthy" I immediately think of newborns. Let me explain. When our daughter, who is also our first born, was born, she weighed 7 pounds, 14 ounces. She was just such a little peanut. Now, when our last son was born, also our last child, he weighed 9 pounds, 4 ounces. So many people (including me) said, "oh, he is such a healthy looking baby". The bigger the baby, the "healthier" they look, right? So is this true about adults? When someone says to me, "you look so much healthier", I sort of giggle inside (on a good day) and think, that must be their way of saying, "my, you have certainly gained weight".
Okay, so enough about what I hate, I have vented enough. What is it that I love?
Obviously my almighty King, first and for most. And of course my husband and kids and friends. With all that said, my absolute love, get ready for this. This is going to make NO sense coming from someone with an eating disorder, I know, but I am serious. I LOVE FOOD!!!!!!!!!! I LOVE to eat. I love the fact that this summer I am not sweating over every last morsel that I eat, where as last summer I did. I love eating ice cream! I love eating frosting. No, not on anything, just by the spoonful. I love the days when I feel good about myself, and don't care that I haven't exercised or watched what I ate for the last, oh, MONTH! I love being me!!!
So why can't I love being me every day? Why do I need to be so hard on myself? Why do I need to be so self-conscious? Why do I really care what others think of me? I don't know. Well, actually I do know. It is when I take my eyes off God and put them right back on me, which seems to happen way more than I want. You see, God created me to be the woman HE wants me to be, not the woman I think I need to be. Who cares if my rolls stick out in my bathing suit more than my neighbors (love you), and who cares if I had a MEDIUM mint m&m flurry a couple of nights ago and haven't exercised for a while. What does it really matter? Remember, I am God's Princess. (why oh why is that so hard to believe sometimes) Do you believe that about yourself? I wonder how all of us women would be (sorry if there are guys reading this)if we all loved ourselves for who we are, regardless of our size, looks, hair, clothes, etc.
I pray you feel like the Princess God created you to be. After all, "there could never be a more beautiful YOU".
God bless you!
Okay, okay, okay. Hold on a minute. Before you get all defensive and chew me out, please hear me out. Remember I am trying to overcome this whole eating disorder thing. So there are a lot of things that are hard for me, and may not be hard for you. Remember, I vowed to be honest here.
Sure, there are some really cute swimsuits out there. In fact, now I know this may be a rare occasion (at least it is for me), but don't you feel so good when you find just that right bathing suit, and you really do feel good in it? I do. I get it home. I put it on when it's time to go to the pool or beach, feeling all confident. Walk to the pool or up to the beach, and then WHAM! There she is. Some chic, my age, with kids, and looking fabulous! And super skinny to boot. All of a sudden I feel like every single roll on my body is protruding 15 extra inches! My confidence just went down the tube.
And all this talk about running. Before I elaborate on that, may I please just say that there are many of you that will read this that are very, very dear friends of mine that are running for an extremely good cause right now. I love all of you so very much and my life would not be the same without you. It is not you that I dislike, it is the running. Why? Because while all of you are running and loosing weight, I am sitting here not running, or even exercising for that matter, and gaining weight. So while you are proud of how far you have run, and post it for all to see, I am feeling worse and worse about myself. Why can't you just keep that to yourselves? (okay, not really, I just needed to get that off my chest. Thanks)
And speaking of me gaining weight, that brings me to another thing that I hate. GAINING WEIGHT! Apparently, last year, I was "too skinny". Not quite sure if that is possible. And this year, I am "healthy looking". Okay, so let me figure this out. When I think of someone looking "healthy" I immediately think of newborns. Let me explain. When our daughter, who is also our first born, was born, she weighed 7 pounds, 14 ounces. She was just such a little peanut. Now, when our last son was born, also our last child, he weighed 9 pounds, 4 ounces. So many people (including me) said, "oh, he is such a healthy looking baby". The bigger the baby, the "healthier" they look, right? So is this true about adults? When someone says to me, "you look so much healthier", I sort of giggle inside (on a good day) and think, that must be their way of saying, "my, you have certainly gained weight".
Okay, so enough about what I hate, I have vented enough. What is it that I love?
Obviously my almighty King, first and for most. And of course my husband and kids and friends. With all that said, my absolute love, get ready for this. This is going to make NO sense coming from someone with an eating disorder, I know, but I am serious. I LOVE FOOD!!!!!!!!!! I LOVE to eat. I love the fact that this summer I am not sweating over every last morsel that I eat, where as last summer I did. I love eating ice cream! I love eating frosting. No, not on anything, just by the spoonful. I love the days when I feel good about myself, and don't care that I haven't exercised or watched what I ate for the last, oh, MONTH! I love being me!!!
So why can't I love being me every day? Why do I need to be so hard on myself? Why do I need to be so self-conscious? Why do I really care what others think of me? I don't know. Well, actually I do know. It is when I take my eyes off God and put them right back on me, which seems to happen way more than I want. You see, God created me to be the woman HE wants me to be, not the woman I think I need to be. Who cares if my rolls stick out in my bathing suit more than my neighbors (love you), and who cares if I had a MEDIUM mint m&m flurry a couple of nights ago and haven't exercised for a while. What does it really matter? Remember, I am God's Princess. (why oh why is that so hard to believe sometimes) Do you believe that about yourself? I wonder how all of us women would be (sorry if there are guys reading this)if we all loved ourselves for who we are, regardless of our size, looks, hair, clothes, etc.
I pray you feel like the Princess God created you to be. After all, "there could never be a more beautiful YOU".
God bless you!
Monday, July 12, 2010
What's in a name?
So what is with the name of my blog anyway? Is it because I think that what I write is so incredible it should be treated as a jewel? HAH! Hardly!
Let me explain it this way. I am a Princess! And princesses where Tiara's on their head, right? And what are tiara's made of? Jewels, of course (well, real ones anyway, unlike the ones I have bought from the dollar store for my daughter.) And I believe that everything God brings me through in my life is another jewel added to my tiara.
What was that? Are you seriously questioning the fact that I am a princess? Do you not know who I am? I am a daughter of the almighty King!!! And that, my friends, makes me a princess!
Why is it that in every movie or story, the Princess is always drop dead gorgeous? Why?
One of the trials that God has brought me through, or should I say, is bringing me through is my struggle with an eating disorder. Yup, you read right, I have an eating disorder. Whew! I said it. Too bad that didn't just magically take it away. Hey, I said I am a princess, but give me a break, I don't have magical powers with that title!
This has been an area that I have questioned God a lot in. Why did I have to go through this? Isn't this something teenage girls go through, not grown women? On the contrary, eating disorders are very common among women my age, something I had no idea about.
When I sit and reflect on why, I believe it has everything to do with me, not God. The person I started seeing in the mirror was someone I hated, not God's princess. "Why am I so ugly?" "Why am I so fat?" "Why is everyone else so much prettier than I am?" I began to be consumed by these thoughts. Yes, I do believe that the devil had a huge part in this. After all, he knows our weaknesses, and I was a huge weakness to myself. I started comparing myself to everyone else around me. "Look at that mom, she is so skinny!" "Good grief, she had 4 kids too, and look at her!" And from there I went to magazines. Do you realize how many skinny moms are in magazines, especially parenting magazines? UUGGG! So I got caught up in making myself look like all the other women I saw, and who I thought I needed to look like. And with my focus on myself, my focus on God and everyone else around me diminished. I became obsessed with what I ate (or didn't eat). I weighed myself every single day, and if I gained even a pound, I was very careful what I ate that day. I was VERY diligent in exercising, and when I felt like I ate too much, I would exercise even more. To be honest, I was feeling really good. I loved it when people gave me compliments. But I started feeding on those compliments (no pun intented). When people stopped giving me compliments, I took that as a "sign" that I was getting fat, and needed to loose more weight. There was one Sunday at church where a lady told me that her husband was wondering if I was sick. That was the greatest compliment ever. I know, eating disorders have a way of distorting everything, and I mean everything!
I have had to learn to let go of all those lies. I have had to run back into my Fathers arms. I have had to succumb to medication, which I vowed I would never do. I have needed the help of an amazing Christian counselor, and still do. This is all still a work in progress. God is still working on me and bringing me through. It is a battle that is far from being over. In fact, today was one of those "not so good days". But every day is just one step closer to being done with ED (get it, Eating Disorder? I was getting sick of typing that out every time.)
So there you have it, well, a glimpse anyway. Obviously through my postings you will learn a lot more. Sorry! But like I said earlier, I am just being open and honest.
Let me explain it this way. I am a Princess! And princesses where Tiara's on their head, right? And what are tiara's made of? Jewels, of course (well, real ones anyway, unlike the ones I have bought from the dollar store for my daughter.) And I believe that everything God brings me through in my life is another jewel added to my tiara.
What was that? Are you seriously questioning the fact that I am a princess? Do you not know who I am? I am a daughter of the almighty King!!! And that, my friends, makes me a princess!
Why is it that in every movie or story, the Princess is always drop dead gorgeous? Why?
One of the trials that God has brought me through, or should I say, is bringing me through is my struggle with an eating disorder. Yup, you read right, I have an eating disorder. Whew! I said it. Too bad that didn't just magically take it away. Hey, I said I am a princess, but give me a break, I don't have magical powers with that title!
This has been an area that I have questioned God a lot in. Why did I have to go through this? Isn't this something teenage girls go through, not grown women? On the contrary, eating disorders are very common among women my age, something I had no idea about.
When I sit and reflect on why, I believe it has everything to do with me, not God. The person I started seeing in the mirror was someone I hated, not God's princess. "Why am I so ugly?" "Why am I so fat?" "Why is everyone else so much prettier than I am?" I began to be consumed by these thoughts. Yes, I do believe that the devil had a huge part in this. After all, he knows our weaknesses, and I was a huge weakness to myself. I started comparing myself to everyone else around me. "Look at that mom, she is so skinny!" "Good grief, she had 4 kids too, and look at her!" And from there I went to magazines. Do you realize how many skinny moms are in magazines, especially parenting magazines? UUGGG! So I got caught up in making myself look like all the other women I saw, and who I thought I needed to look like. And with my focus on myself, my focus on God and everyone else around me diminished. I became obsessed with what I ate (or didn't eat). I weighed myself every single day, and if I gained even a pound, I was very careful what I ate that day. I was VERY diligent in exercising, and when I felt like I ate too much, I would exercise even more. To be honest, I was feeling really good. I loved it when people gave me compliments. But I started feeding on those compliments (no pun intented). When people stopped giving me compliments, I took that as a "sign" that I was getting fat, and needed to loose more weight. There was one Sunday at church where a lady told me that her husband was wondering if I was sick. That was the greatest compliment ever. I know, eating disorders have a way of distorting everything, and I mean everything!
I have had to learn to let go of all those lies. I have had to run back into my Fathers arms. I have had to succumb to medication, which I vowed I would never do. I have needed the help of an amazing Christian counselor, and still do. This is all still a work in progress. God is still working on me and bringing me through. It is a battle that is far from being over. In fact, today was one of those "not so good days". But every day is just one step closer to being done with ED (get it, Eating Disorder? I was getting sick of typing that out every time.)
So there you have it, well, a glimpse anyway. Obviously through my postings you will learn a lot more. Sorry! But like I said earlier, I am just being open and honest.
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Here we go!
So here I am....with a blog. Where to begin. I guess first of all, maybe just a little bit of explanation as to WHY I started a blog. My only real explanation is God. I'm not here to give updates on my family, although they may sneak in here once in a while. I don't have any major illness that I need to keep everyone up to date on, however, what a wonderful tool God has given those who do. I'm here because I felt God nudging me to do this. To keep sort of a diary, if you will, being open, honest, and candid about my life. You see, God has brought me through some pretty big challenges in my life, ones that I never expected to go through, yet ones that I know I am not alone in. I want to reach out to others in the same "boat" I am in. To lend love, support, and strength to others, and maybe to gain those for myself as well.
I feel like I am standing at the beginning of a one way street. The only way to go is ahead. I cannot turn around, I cannot take back what I type and send. I am terrified as to what everyone who reads this will think of me. I know there will be lots of you who know me that are reading this. Please don't think any less of me. I am God's priceless Princess, and that is ALL that matters!
I am sitting on our deck typing this. Enjoying the wonderful breeze, the sounds of birds, my farm kitty...and the wonderful fragrance of PIGS!!!!!!!!!!!! Aaahhhhh, nothing like that farm fresh smell! My husband says, "It is the smell of money." Uuummm..........don't think so!!! :D I have so much more I want to type, but feel like I have already been too lengthy today. I'll be back tomorrow, ready to hit the gas and go down that one way street. I hope you will come with me.
God bless you!!
I feel like I am standing at the beginning of a one way street. The only way to go is ahead. I cannot turn around, I cannot take back what I type and send. I am terrified as to what everyone who reads this will think of me. I know there will be lots of you who know me that are reading this. Please don't think any less of me. I am God's priceless Princess, and that is ALL that matters!
I am sitting on our deck typing this. Enjoying the wonderful breeze, the sounds of birds, my farm kitty...and the wonderful fragrance of PIGS!!!!!!!!!!!! Aaahhhhh, nothing like that farm fresh smell! My husband says, "It is the smell of money." Uuummm..........don't think so!!! :D I have so much more I want to type, but feel like I have already been too lengthy today. I'll be back tomorrow, ready to hit the gas and go down that one way street. I hope you will come with me.
God bless you!!
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