in HIM I'M secure

I'm so frustrated! No, I'm downright mad! Wait, actually, I am absolutely furious! I am so fed up with being insecure! I can hardly take it anymore! It seems like every single day insecurity is patiently waiting for me to wake up. And as soon as I'm awake, it's right there making sure I'm comparing myself to so-and-so, or making sure I'm convincing myself I'm not good enough, or that I can't reach the dreams I have. REALLY?? By noon I can hardly convince myself that I'm good enough for lunch! HAA!!

Last week my kids and I went on our annual camping trip with a great group of friends. We do this every year the week after school is out. Of course, insecurity packed it's bags and came along. There were times when I was convinced that these friends must not want to be around me because of how I act or what I might have said. Their words and actions gave NO validation to these feelings, but insecurity told me so. On one particular afternoon when I was walking my beloved "princess" (note picture and proof of royalty), a thought, no, more like a conversation, crossed my mind. It was a conversation I imagined having with God. It went something like this: "What was that God? I'm sorry, I didn't hear you. But did you see how I acted yesterday in front of everyone? I'm so dumb! I can't believe I am like that. What did you say God? Anyway, why do I say things like that! I mean, it sounds good in my head, but when I say it, it sounds so dumb! Hmm? What God? No, sorry, I am too busy day dreaming. You know what I would absolutely LOVE to do, don't you. And it is so fun to think that you may very well be calling me to this. But, do you remember a while ago when someone told me I was just chasing after my minds affection and my hearts desire? That really hurt God. What if that is what I'm doing? What if that is all I've ever done? (now imagine my thoughts pausing long enough for God to get a word in edgewise here) Wait, what God? You what?..."
And all of a sudden, insecurity shut up.

When I reflect on all the relationships God has put in my life, whether great, or difficult, there is one in particular that insecurity is loud and clear. A relationship that God has given me that has blessed me more than I could have ever imagined. A relationship that is more important than any other relationship I have. My husband. Now let me just stop here a minute and take a breath, because I am about to get very, very vulnerable. No, I'm serious. Like, I really can't believe I'm going to "go there". But I have to. Because for some strange reason, I don't think I'm alone here. So, here goes. You see, my husband doesn't care if I'm a size 2, or a size 20. He loves me for me. He thinks I am completely beautiful. He is passionate for me. Even after having 4 kids! How in the world does he not see me how I see myself in the mirror? To me, my body is so not attractive. But to him, it is. Are you tracking with me here? I sure hope so, because just typing this I'm blushing. Please don't make me explain more. It took some dear friends to tell me this last night at dinner. They helped me to see that it isn't what I think of myself that my husband is attracted to, it's ME. IT'S ME! When I allowed myself to think that, insecurity shut up!

So what was it that God was trying to tell me that got insecurity to shut up? Let me paraphrase Psalm 139 for you: "Jenny, I have searched you and I know you...I am familiar with all your ways....I created you to be exactly how you are...I created all of you....and every single one of your days are written down....by me." Insecurity isn't the only one quiet here. So am I. But I'm quiet because I'm in awe of God's amazing love for me.

I was posed a question a few days ago: "whose opinion of me matters most ~ God's or others?" That was convicting! Of course, I want to say God's, but way too often I allow others opinions of me to matter most. But it's time for that to be done. It's time for me to let God's unconditional love flow over me and through me. He is the only one who's opinion matters to me. It's when I allow Him to put himself right in the middle of my insecurities, I'm no longer insecurity, but secure in Him.

Are you friends with insecurity? Don't let it's voice be louder than Gods. It is He who made you, and you are His. He created you to be exactly how you are. Don't let anyone's opinion steal that from you. Be secure in Him!