So I looked up the definition for puke, and it referred me to vomit. This is one of the definitions: "to cast out or eject as if in vomiting; send out forcefully or violently".
So why in the world am I starting out my blog like this? Especially since it has been FOREVER since I have written anything? Because that is exactly what I am about to do. I am using my blog to "puke" out everything that is bottled up inside of me. So if you are not in the mood to "hear" me whine, than don't read this. But I am about to explode, so I am forcefully casting out my thoughts!
I am so weary! I have had it with everything in this household being left up to me. The cleaning, the cooking, the laundry, the picking up, the running here, there and everywhere! The bedtime, the disciplining, the getting everyone out the door on time! I'm tired of my husband being so busy with all HIS stuff that it feels like everything if left up to ME. (Now, before anyone goes and starts some nasty rumor about me and Jim, our marriage is wonderful. In fact, he is reading this very blog.)I just wish he wasn't so pre-occupied.
And if I hear about one more woman my age and in my position talk about how wonderful it is that her mom or sister can help out with the kids, or cleaning her house, or doing laundry, I am going to SCREAM!!!!!!!!!!! Hello!!! I don't have a sister to help me. And my mom??? YEA RIGHT!!! I'm alone!
And speaking of my mom. I was feeling so exhausted tonight, that for a fleeting moment, I thought about picking up the phone to call my mom. Just to talk to someone and vent. That thought was so short lived. First of all, she would never understand. Second of all, the chances of her answering and sounding "normal" are slim. I don't need to deal with that right now. Oh how I wish I had a "normal" mom to talk to. Who could understand me. Who was there for me. Why??
Our family is getting ready to go on vacation. I have been busy getting everyone ready and packed. I have been putting off getting out my summer clothes from last year. Hmm....I wonder why? (You didn't think I was going to leave out THIS part of my life, did you?) So I bit the bullet tonight and took out my summer clothes. NOTHING, and I do mean NOTHING, fits. At all! Oh, wait, my underwear still fits. Not sure how. So I guess SOMETHING fits. Kind of.
I have my suitcase open and not a frickin' thing to put in it. Excuse my language. I am insanely frustrated! I'm sure you may be saying, "so why don't you exercise?" I don't WANT to exercise. I exercised so much when I was dealing with my eating disorder that I don't want to exercise. I don't feel like it.
And speaking of feelings. This weekend is Easter. My family is coming over for Easter. My daughters dress needed some alterations. My house needs major cleaning. I need to make something to feed them. For crying out loud, it's Easter! The time we celebrate the rising of my Lord and Savior! The emotions should be overwhelming for me right now. Sadness because of what Jesus did for me, rejoicing because of what my Savior did for me. But I'm numb right now. Too much to do. To much to think about. Um, I think I know of someone else who felt like me. Martha. All she wanted was to make everything perfect for her Savior. But Mary didn't care about anything. She just wanted to be by her Savior.
I wonder if Martha also worried about her appearance. Did she worry about what size she was? I don't think Mary did. I bet she was content with how she looked.
Wait! What am I saying! Women wore robes for heaven sake! Nothing form fitting, or revealing there! Hmm...maybe us women could start a new fashion trend. Just saying.
Oh, and one more thing. I am so tired of being so hard on myself. I hear myself saying ever day, "your not good enough", "no one really likes you", "people think your odd", "your not a good enough mom/wife/friend"...oh how the list could go on and on. Do you know who incredibly mentally tiring it is trying to fight off those thoughts? I know it is the devil. He knows my weaknesses. My God is stronger. But I am so weary Lord.
I found a verse in Zephaniah. Hear what God says: "The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing." (3:17) Isn't that great?! I LOVE it! He delights in me! Even when I am crabby and complaining and frustrated and "puking" all over? Romans 8:38-39 "For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." So, yup! God loves me and delights in me. No matter what.
So I started on a slightly nasty note. Why not end on a slightly nasty note.
You know how much better you feel after you finally puke? Well, that's how I feel right now. So much better. But without the nasty aftertaste!
