SERIOUSLY!

There's this phenomenon going on that all of us women are well aware of.  Just about every magazine we see, commercial we watch and song we listen to.  We read books on it, scripture on it, talk to each other about it, and do what we can to deal with it.  Do you have a clue what I'm talking about?  Have you dealt with it yourself?  I know I have.  And do.  It's our beautiful image.  And why, oh why, do we struggle so much with it?  Why do we get so sucked into it?  Believe me, this is one of my biggest struggles.  And don't tell me I'm alone.

Why is it that standing in line at the grocery store, staring at those magazine covers telling me how to loose 25 pounds by Thanksgiving can make me want to back out of that line and start over with my shopping?  Or how about that dreaded feeling when you run into someone at the store and you start comparing what's in her cart verses yours?  SERIOUSLY???

And how about music?  Have you thought about how many songs talk about our beauty?  Mandisa tells us that "The hands that made the moon and stars, the mountains and the seas, made us wonderful, beautiful, marvelously.  Let the whole world see your TRUE beauty...", Jonny Diaz says "There could never be a more beautiful you", and Steven Curtis Chapman tells us "You're a masterpiece that all creation quietly applauds, and you're covered with the fingerprints of God".  But it's not just Christian artists!  What about the secular world of music?  Selena Gomez asks, "who says your not beautiful?", Christina Aguilera says, "you are beautiful so don't ever forget it", and those 5 British guys (oh, sorry, one's Irish), can't figure out why I'm insecure because apparently I'm turning heads when I walk through the door and I don't need make-up to cover up because being the way that I am in enough!  SERIOUSLY????  Oh, wait, I have a feeling those guys weren't intending for that song to get the attention of a 39 year old woman.  But it has.  Along with every other song, book, and magazine out there.

Why, girls, are we so sucked in to how we look?  Why do we worry about how others will judge us by our appearance?  Okay, let me just stop here and say that if you are a very confident woman and you do not struggle with your image at all and never have, than now would be a good time for you to stop reading and head over to another blog.  Thanks for stopping though.

Set aside all those songs, books and magazines and look with me to the One and Only Book that matters, that speaks truth to me and you.  My favorite verse of all time is Psalm 45:11: "The King is enthralled by your beauty; honor him, for he is your Lord."  Did you get that?  The King is enthralled by our beauty!  SERIOUSLY!!  And not the worlds view of beauty either.  Not just the right clothes, or make-up, but our real beauty.  The beauty that comes from being created in His image.  This really hits home for me.  My biggest downfall is making sure I look "just right".  In fact, I have been known to say, "I need to go put my face on" when I go put on my make-up.  How sad is that?  Why would I want someone to see me exactly how God created me?  Because I'm afraid of what they might think of me.  I'm afraid they won't except me for who I am.  I'm afraid.  But why?  If the King of kings and Lord of lords, who created me exactly how I am because that's how HE wanted me, is enthralled with my beauty, why am I so afraid?  SERIOUSLY!!  Because satan knows right where to get us.  He knows what defeats us.  I'm sick of feeling defeated.  Are you?

Now, I'm not saying make-up is bad, or nice clothes are bad.  I would be a hypocrite if I said that.  I like to look nice and I believe we need to take good care of ourselves so we can take good care of others.  But am I using these things to cover up the real me?  Are we allowing ourselves to be consumed with it?  When we just can't leave the house without make-up on, or our hair done, or just the right outfit on, that may be a clue that we are consumed.  And I know what it is like to be consumed with self-image.  Satan took hold of that insecurity and ran with it, bringing me down the path of an eating disorder a few years ago.  I was so consumed with body image I couldn't hear anyone else's voice but satans.  It was scary.  We need to stand strong in God and believe Him when He tells us He is enthralled with our beauty.  That is the only way to stand up to satan.    

So I have an idea girls.  Are you ready for this?  What if, the next time we go to the store, we pick a woman out of the crowd, and tell her she's beautiful.  SERIOUSLY!  Who are we to judge what woman has it all together?  It may be the one who looks sad, or the one who is struggling with her 2 year old throwing a fit (or 12 year old for that matter), or maybe it's that one who looks like she has it all together, wearing just the right outfit and wearing just the right make-up.  Maybe all that woman desires is for someone to tell her she is beautiful.  The King is enthralled with her beauty.  Maybe YOU would give anything for someone to tell YOU just how beautiful you are.

My dear, hear me loud and clear: YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL!  THE KING IS ENTHRALLED WITH YOUR BEAUTY!

Let's start a new trend.  Who cares if the women we say this to give us a funny look or say, "say what?"  Just smile, and let her know you just wanted her to know she is beautiful.  Let's get our focus off those magazine covers, and stop trying to cover up who God created us to be.  Let's do this for our daughters, sisters, moms, friends, OURSELVES.  

Ladies, we are beautiful!  The King can't take His eyes off of us!

in HIM I'M secure

I'm so frustrated! No, I'm downright mad! Wait, actually, I am absolutely furious! I am so fed up with being insecure! I can hardly take it anymore! It seems like every single day insecurity is patiently waiting for me to wake up. And as soon as I'm awake, it's right there making sure I'm comparing myself to so-and-so, or making sure I'm convincing myself I'm not good enough, or that I can't reach the dreams I have. REALLY?? By noon I can hardly convince myself that I'm good enough for lunch! HAA!!

Last week my kids and I went on our annual camping trip with a great group of friends. We do this every year the week after school is out. Of course, insecurity packed it's bags and came along. There were times when I was convinced that these friends must not want to be around me because of how I act or what I might have said. Their words and actions gave NO validation to these feelings, but insecurity told me so. On one particular afternoon when I was walking my beloved "princess" (note picture and proof of royalty), a thought, no, more like a conversation, crossed my mind. It was a conversation I imagined having with God. It went something like this: "What was that God? I'm sorry, I didn't hear you. But did you see how I acted yesterday in front of everyone? I'm so dumb! I can't believe I am like that. What did you say God? Anyway, why do I say things like that! I mean, it sounds good in my head, but when I say it, it sounds so dumb! Hmm? What God? No, sorry, I am too busy day dreaming. You know what I would absolutely LOVE to do, don't you. And it is so fun to think that you may very well be calling me to this. But, do you remember a while ago when someone told me I was just chasing after my minds affection and my hearts desire? That really hurt God. What if that is what I'm doing? What if that is all I've ever done? (now imagine my thoughts pausing long enough for God to get a word in edgewise here) Wait, what God? You what?..."
And all of a sudden, insecurity shut up.

When I reflect on all the relationships God has put in my life, whether great, or difficult, there is one in particular that insecurity is loud and clear. A relationship that God has given me that has blessed me more than I could have ever imagined. A relationship that is more important than any other relationship I have. My husband. Now let me just stop here a minute and take a breath, because I am about to get very, very vulnerable. No, I'm serious. Like, I really can't believe I'm going to "go there". But I have to. Because for some strange reason, I don't think I'm alone here. So, here goes. You see, my husband doesn't care if I'm a size 2, or a size 20. He loves me for me. He thinks I am completely beautiful. He is passionate for me. Even after having 4 kids! How in the world does he not see me how I see myself in the mirror? To me, my body is so not attractive. But to him, it is. Are you tracking with me here? I sure hope so, because just typing this I'm blushing. Please don't make me explain more. It took some dear friends to tell me this last night at dinner. They helped me to see that it isn't what I think of myself that my husband is attracted to, it's ME. IT'S ME! When I allowed myself to think that, insecurity shut up!

So what was it that God was trying to tell me that got insecurity to shut up? Let me paraphrase Psalm 139 for you: "Jenny, I have searched you and I know you...I am familiar with all your ways....I created you to be exactly how you are...I created all of you....and every single one of your days are written down....by me." Insecurity isn't the only one quiet here. So am I. But I'm quiet because I'm in awe of God's amazing love for me.

I was posed a question a few days ago: "whose opinion of me matters most ~ God's or others?" That was convicting! Of course, I want to say God's, but way too often I allow others opinions of me to matter most. But it's time for that to be done. It's time for me to let God's unconditional love flow over me and through me. He is the only one who's opinion matters to me. It's when I allow Him to put himself right in the middle of my insecurities, I'm no longer insecurity, but secure in Him.

Are you friends with insecurity? Don't let it's voice be louder than Gods. It is He who made you, and you are His. He created you to be exactly how you are. Don't let anyone's opinion steal that from you. Be secure in Him!

Just Another Day

Have you ever asked someone, "What did you do for your birthday?" Or said to them, "I hope you have a great birthday"? I'm guessing just about all of us have. And have you received this response: "Oh, it's just another day". Or how about, "it's just like any other day". I caught myself saying those exact words the other day when a dear friend sent me a text saying, "are you doing anything special on your birthday?" My response: "it's just another day". As soon as I sent that text I thought, why did I respond like that? Why do I so often feel that? Or the REAL question is, why do I try to convince myself of that? It seems like for the past several years, I psyche myself up for the let down I feel on my birthday. Please don't get me wrong, my husband and kids do a great job loving on me on my birthday. And I do receive so many wonderful well wishes on my birthday. So what is it? What is that longing deep down inside that tries to creep up year after year? And why do I constantly keep pushing it back down "where it belongs" by trying to convince myself it's just another day. And I'm fine...right?

There's a song by Casting Crowns called "Just Another Birthday". I cry every single time I hear it. No, seriously, every single time! There is something in that song that strikes so very close to that longing that I keep shoving deep down inside, even though a lot of that song doesn't necessarily pertain to me. You see, this longing that I have is the longing of knowing I am loved so very much, and that my birthday isn't just another day. I want my dad to actually stop by (because he lives and works within a 2 mile radius of my house and drives by many times) and see me, on my birthday, and tell me happy birthday. I want him to hug me. I mean really hug me. I want him to treat my birthday like I treat my kids' birthdays. I don't want it to be just another day. I don't want a phone call two days later with someone wishing me a happy birthday and saying, "I'm so sorry I forgot. I didn't turn the page on my calendar until today." I don't want to receive a card in the mail from someone who lives 2 MILES AWAY! Good grief, couldn't they just drop it off?

Of course, as I sit here typing this with thoughts swirling around in my head, the guilt is creeping in. I envision it like growing vines, entangling my thoughts until the guilt has won over. Why am I feeling guilty? Because I don't deserve this on my birthday. I don't deserve the well wishes. Do you know how many birthdays I have forgotten? Seriously! I stopped wishing people happy birthday on Facebook because I forgot a few and now, if I start up again, the people I forgot are going to think, "she didn't wish ME a happy birthday." And I FINALLY gave my brother HIS birthday card yesterday! Almost a week late! Oh boy! Who am I to wish for everyone to dote over me on my birthday when I don't do it to others? UGG! Is there any hope for me?

There is a verse in 1 John that says, "See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are!" You see, I have come to realize that my birthday is not just another day. And my Daddy, my heavenly Papa, is so rejoicing on my birthday. It the day HE decided I was to be born because there was great things I needed to do for Him. It is a day that I, too, can rejoice because he has brought me through another year. He allowed me to a mom to our four kids for another year. He allowed me to be a wife for another year. (even though I feel like my kids and my husband are ready for an upgrade. HAA) He has given me so much to enjoy this past year, has been so very faithful through all the ups and downs.

And you know what? YOUR birthday is not just another day either! It is the day God chose to bring YOU into the world to do great things for Him. I hope you know this. I hope you know just how special you are. Not just on your birthday, but every single day. Ephesians 3:17b-19 says: "And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord's holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge-that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God." WOW!

So guess what? Tomorrow's my birthday! Tomorrow I'm going to rejoice in what God has done over the past year and wait anxiously to see what He will do over the coming year. My Papa is rejoicing over me. And He is rejoicing over YOU too. I pray you are filled to the measure of all the fullness of God!

My birthday is NOT just another day! And neither is yours! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Animals ~ And Their Love

I am a huge animal lover! My whole family is for that matter. Well, except for my precious 13 year old daughter, she really doesn't see the need for pets.
This week, for whatever reason, I saw just how important pets really are, and quite possible why God gave them to us.
My favorite animals are dogs, cats, and horses. I love animals I can cuddle. The boys in our household love the reptiles (which, to me, are NOT pets!) So, to make all of us happy, we have a little of everything, well, just about everything. Dogs, a cat, a snake, chickens, and we used to have turtles, fish, and a bird. We even have a small dog kennel business in which we board dogs. So, yes, we love animals.
A couple of days ago I had the privilage of going horse back riding with some dear friends of mine. I grew up with a horse, and boy have I missed it. Over the past few years I have told myself (and my husband) that I didn't want another one. "I don't have time for one", "their too much work", "their too expensive". WHO AM I KIDDING?! I miss it SO bad!
When I walked into the horse barn the other day, and took a great big wiff of that aroma (no, it is not a smell), it was like my whole body relaxed. My friends refer to horses as "therapy", and I know that all too well. Growing up, my horse, Dee, knew absolutely everything! She would listen to me cry my heart out to her, and I know she understood me. She definitely was my therapist. Somehow, spending time with her made everything better. And I found myself feeling that way the other day. I walked out of the barn with my friend to go get the horses and bring them into the barn to get saddled up. I was on cloud nine. The feeling of walking up to such a majestic animal, being face to face with him, and putting that halter and lead on him and leading him into the barn, it amazes me how such a large animal can have instant trust. Walking him back to the barn brought me right back to a time when I was leading my Dee from the pasture into the barn and something spooked her. She startled, which knocked me face down in the dirt, and she took off for the barn, her hoof nearly missing my head. So that "instant trust" is not to be taken lightly. They are still a very powerful animal.
So into the barn we went, got our horses all saddled up, and off we went for a glorious ride. I felt so relaxed, even though my friends warned me that my horse was capable of "sassing" me. That really didn't bother me. Even when he did, indeed, sass me later on, I was fine. But do know what struck me as I was riding this gorgeous animal through God's amazing world? Let me try and explain it.
Here I was, on top of this 1,000 pound horse (give or take a few pounds)guiding him where I wanted him to go, and enjoying every minute of it. However, in the back of my mind, I needed to remember that at any given moment, this large animal could very well choose to do what he wanted to do, whether I tried to stop him or not. Even though it "appeared" I had complete control over him, I really needed to be aware of what might be "around the corner". For example, there was a time, years ago, when I was sitting on the barn floor, painting my Dee's hooves, getting ready for a show. Now, remember, I had COMPLETE trust in my horse, so, mind you, her leg/hoof was positioned right between my legs as I was diligantly painting away. Yes, I felt that relaxed with her. That day I learned just how mighty she was when a fly landed on her leg, started biting her and she went to get rid of it by lifting her leg and stomping it down. Yup, my hand was between her hoof and the floor. And, yes, I was off to the ER! Another time I was riding her and,again, something spooked her, and she took off. I accidently dropped a reign, so there was no way of stopping her. All I could do was hang on, knowing she would eventually stop. In the barn. And that is exactly what happened. Sure I was scared. I had no control of her. I was cringing. I thought, if I fall off, it WILL hurt. But you know what? I didn't fall off. And you know what else? My finger healed fine. Well, it's a tad flatter than the other ones, but for the most part....
All of these thoughts, reflections and feelings have reminded me of my life with God. You see, He is so mighty and so powerful, yet He loves us so tenderly. He does, in fact, give us some control over our lives by giving us choices. Or free will. However, no matter what we might do to look like we have complete control over our lives, God, at any given moment, reminds us that He, indeed, is the one in complete control. We might get stepped on, fall off, feel like we are on some wild ride, but God is always the one holding the reigns. We might cringe sometimes as to what might come our way, but in the end, we find ourselves okay. That the pain only lasted for a short time, and that God has given us the ability to climb right back in the saddle and enjoy the ride. Yes, when it comes to horseback riding, I definitely do not want to let go of the reigns. However, when it comes to my life, God may gladly have them. Why? Because I know, without a doubt, in the end, I will be just fine!
One more animal story that happened this week that reminded me of God. We have two pugs in the house. One, Annabelle, is my princess, and everyone in the house knows that. She can do no wrong. Well, at least in my eyes. The other one, Matrix, is not so good. In fact, I very much dislike him, and everyone in the house knows that! And he knows it too! However, the other day, I sat down on the dining room floor, called him over to me, and wouldn't you know he came running over curled up in my lap. He knows I don't like him, yet he showed me love. Dogs have such unconditional love for us, don't they?
And isn't that just like our Father? There may be days that we just really do not like Him. In fact, there are days that we just down right hate Him. We fight Him. We want those reigns and complete control! But no matter how much we fight Him, He shows us unconditional love. He always has his arms stretched out wide, waiting for us to run to him. And when we do, He wraps those arms around us so tightly that all we can feel is that unconditional love.
I think this is why I love animals so much. I truly believe God has given them to us so that we can catch but a small glimpse of His love for us. His unconditional love. I pray you, too, will always know God's amazing love as well!

God bless!

"PUKE!"

So I looked up the definition for puke, and it referred me to vomit. This is one of the definitions: "to cast out or eject as if in vomiting; send out forcefully or violently".
So why in the world am I starting out my blog like this? Especially since it has been FOREVER since I have written anything? Because that is exactly what I am about to do. I am using my blog to "puke" out everything that is bottled up inside of me. So if you are not in the mood to "hear" me whine, than don't read this. But I am about to explode, so I am forcefully casting out my thoughts!
I am so weary! I have had it with everything in this household being left up to me. The cleaning, the cooking, the laundry, the picking up, the running here, there and everywhere! The bedtime, the disciplining, the getting everyone out the door on time! I'm tired of my husband being so busy with all HIS stuff that it feels like everything if left up to ME. (Now, before anyone goes and starts some nasty rumor about me and Jim, our marriage is wonderful. In fact, he is reading this very blog.)I just wish he wasn't so pre-occupied.
And if I hear about one more woman my age and in my position talk about how wonderful it is that her mom or sister can help out with the kids, or cleaning her house, or doing laundry, I am going to SCREAM!!!!!!!!!!! Hello!!! I don't have a sister to help me. And my mom??? YEA RIGHT!!! I'm alone!
And speaking of my mom. I was feeling so exhausted tonight, that for a fleeting moment, I thought about picking up the phone to call my mom. Just to talk to someone and vent. That thought was so short lived. First of all, she would never understand. Second of all, the chances of her answering and sounding "normal" are slim. I don't need to deal with that right now. Oh how I wish I had a "normal" mom to talk to. Who could understand me. Who was there for me. Why??
Our family is getting ready to go on vacation. I have been busy getting everyone ready and packed. I have been putting off getting out my summer clothes from last year. Hmm....I wonder why? (You didn't think I was going to leave out THIS part of my life, did you?) So I bit the bullet tonight and took out my summer clothes. NOTHING, and I do mean NOTHING, fits. At all! Oh, wait, my underwear still fits. Not sure how. So I guess SOMETHING fits. Kind of.
I have my suitcase open and not a frickin' thing to put in it. Excuse my language. I am insanely frustrated! I'm sure you may be saying, "so why don't you exercise?" I don't WANT to exercise. I exercised so much when I was dealing with my eating disorder that I don't want to exercise. I don't feel like it.
And speaking of feelings. This weekend is Easter. My family is coming over for Easter. My daughters dress needed some alterations. My house needs major cleaning. I need to make something to feed them. For crying out loud, it's Easter! The time we celebrate the rising of my Lord and Savior! The emotions should be overwhelming for me right now. Sadness because of what Jesus did for me, rejoicing because of what my Savior did for me. But I'm numb right now. Too much to do. To much to think about. Um, I think I know of someone else who felt like me. Martha. All she wanted was to make everything perfect for her Savior. But Mary didn't care about anything. She just wanted to be by her Savior.
I wonder if Martha also worried about her appearance. Did she worry about what size she was? I don't think Mary did. I bet she was content with how she looked.
Wait! What am I saying! Women wore robes for heaven sake! Nothing form fitting, or revealing there! Hmm...maybe us women could start a new fashion trend. Just saying.
Oh, and one more thing. I am so tired of being so hard on myself. I hear myself saying ever day, "your not good enough", "no one really likes you", "people think your odd", "your not a good enough mom/wife/friend"...oh how the list could go on and on. Do you know who incredibly mentally tiring it is trying to fight off those thoughts? I know it is the devil. He knows my weaknesses. My God is stronger. But I am so weary Lord.
I found a verse in Zephaniah. Hear what God says: "The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing." (3:17) Isn't that great?! I LOVE it! He delights in me! Even when I am crabby and complaining and frustrated and "puking" all over? Romans 8:38-39 "For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." So, yup! God loves me and delights in me. No matter what.
So I started on a slightly nasty note. Why not end on a slightly nasty note.
You know how much better you feel after you finally puke? Well, that's how I feel right now. So much better. But without the nasty aftertaste!

My, how time flies!

Wow! It's been HOW long since my last entry? Isn't this how I started my last entry as well? YIKES! But how true is this statement? How time flies!! I can't believe Thanksgiving is this week! And Christmas is how many weeks away?!
You know, as this time of year brings so many of us to a time to reflect on our blessings and all that we are thankful for, it brings me to a time of anxiety. It was just over a year ago when I made amends with my parents after many months of "silence" between us. It was at that time when I gave my dad a hug, a true hug, for the first time....ever! That moment in time is etched in my mind forever! But so time goes on, and I haven't given/gotten a hug from my dad in a long time. I miss that! I'm full of anxiety because I hate the feeling I get in my very core when I seem to be the "odd ball" of the family. When my bubbly, perky, prozac personality seems to be completely different from the rest of the family. When I feel like I really am not accepted as "part of the family". I hate that! I love Joshua 1:9 ~ "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go."
It was just over a year ago when I seemed to be at the other side of the dark tunnel, looking out over a beautiful, light-filled scene free from my eating disorder and dark depression. Yes, ED has tried his hardest to work himself back into my life, but he has NOT succeeded! WHOO HOO!!!!!! I've gained weight, and love it! Yes, I have yucky days, but I love who I am! I have no idea how much I weigh, and I DON'T CARE!!
I had the privilage of sharing my testimony to a group of women a couple of weekends ago. This is something I have always wanted to do. This was a last minute thing, so I fumbled quite a bit, but I felt God orchastrating every single second and word of that testimony. But I wasn't prepared for those wounds, that I thought were healed, to be opened up. Boy did that sting. But if God used me in some way to touch just one of those women, than that pain was well worth it!
I started a new venture in my life! And I am having a blast! I am now a Premier Designs Jewelry lady! :D I love hanging out with women, talking fashion, helping them try to figure out what jewelry will go with what outfits they have, and watching their faces light up when I tell them just how much jewelry they get to pick out for free! This has been such a blessing from God.
So here I am at such a thankful time of year. What a difference a year makes. I am amazed at what God allows to happen in my life in a year. I am thankful for so much. And I'm sure it's a lot of the same stuff you are thankful for. God is good! God is faithful!
So what if things do go bad over the holidays?  What if I don't get a hug from my dad? What if certain family members make doubly sure I feel like I am not a part of the family?
SO WHAT! I matter to one person, and one person only! No, not my husband. Well, yes, I do, but that is not who I am talking about. No, not my kids, or my friends.
I am talking about my heavenly Papa!
Psalm 62:5-8 says "Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will not be shaken. My salvation and my honor depend on God; he is my mighty rock, my refuge. Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge."
God bless you!

WHEN??

Wow, it has been quite a while since I have sat down to write a new post for my blog. I have so often thought of doing it, but never gave myself the time to do it. Ah, time....I sure could use a lot more of it. :)
I feel like I have so much to write about. So much is swirling through my mind. Of course, part of me, okay, most of me, is thinking why I should even write anything. After all, aren't people getting sick and tired of hearing me "complain" about the same thing over and over and over? Well, I guess that was the point of my blog. To vent, per say, about my struggles. So, with that being said, I guess I am going to vent.
I met with my counselor last week and she asked me, "So, where is E.D. right now?" (remember Eating Disorder). I confidently answered that he was not here. Well, he was trying, but I wasn't letting him. Apparently that is all it took for him, because it seems like he has been talking louder and louder lately. I am dreading going through my winter clothes because none of them are going to fit. NONE! I'm sure you can about guess what E.D. is telling me about that one! I am so tired of this! When is he going to just leave me alone? When am I going to see myself the way others see me? When am I going to stop caring about what size I am? When am I going to stop worrying about what other people think of me? WHEN AM I GOING TO BE PERFECT? Doesn't it seem like that is what I am saying? I mean, seriously! God made me exactly how I am, inside and out! And He knows I am not perfect. Thank you God for that! Nor will I be perfect until I stand before my King. So when am I going to get a grip?
Ah, that feels good to just vent. To get it off my chest.
There is another side to this "when" in my life. It is a good side. I wonder when God is going to give me permission to stand before others and encourage them with my life story? I have such a passion to tell other women about the REAL me. To let them know what I have been through. The heartaches and tears of my childhood. The tears and agony of struggling with an eating disorder. I know there will come a time. But it needs to be His time.
I wonder when my King will return to take me to that special ball where I will be perfect. That makes me smile just thinking about it. I bet I won't be complaining about what size I am!
When will I get it? Hm, good question. Tomorrow? That would be just fine with me.
One thing is for sure. God sure has surrounded me with amazing people who have supported me and helped me through this long struggle of getting rid of E.D. That is such an amazing gift from Him. There is no way I would have made it this far on my own.
God is good! WHEN? All the time, God is good!
God bless you!
Jenny

Frustrated!

If you have been following me through this blog with my life journeys, you will remember a few weeks ago I wrote about my "sensitivity". How I take things too seriously. How I "wear my heart on my sleeve", etc. Well, for the last week or so, I have really been thinking about this, and it has gotten me quite frustrated. It seems like, for me, that the lack of boldness goes along with my sensitivity. Well, to a degree. Actually, as I am typing this, thoughts are just swirling around my head as to how this statement is only true some of the time.
For instance, I have absolutely no problem getting up on stage in front of other people. No problem at all. For my birthday, my family took me to a restaurant and made it very known that it was my birthday, so I had to stand on a chair. No problem.
However, why am I so afraid to do something that I want to do? I have been "dreaming", in a sense, of doing something for the past year or so, but won't do it. I am too afraid of what other people will think, or what they will say to me. I'm afraid that no one will support me. That frustrates me!
When someone treats me a little stand-offish (yes, that is my word), I instantly feel like I am a creep! Why can't I just right away acknowledge that person, strike up a friendly conversation, and be nice. Maybe that person didn't recognize me at first. It is so frustrating to me!
I remember when I was younger, I used to stand in the middle of our living room and pretend I was a singer and a speaker. Oh, I had lots to speak about. But I remember someone telling me that I could never be a singer, because in order to do that, I needed to have voice lessons, and I wasn't good enough for that.
I remember when I was in high school trying to figure out what I was going to do with my life, I would throw out all different ideas for a career. I even went as far as to think about being a lawyer and living in a big city. Far cry from my life now as a stay at home mom living on a pig farm! Haa! But I remember my dad telling me honestly that I would never be able to do that because I didn't have good enough grades. Thank you dad for talking me out of that one! But, deep down inside, I wonder if it bothered me more than I knew. There is no way my dad was putting me down, but did I feel that way? Was I not smart enough?
What is keeping me from just doing what I want to do? From being brave enough?
Is it God? Is this His way of telling me "not now"? Or is He trying to tell me "go for it", and I am digging my heels in the dirt because I am too afraid? This is so frustrating!
If you will remember, I love to compare myself to other women. And one area is their "accomplishments". I am so quick to think, "well, she has 4 kids and she does this and this and this and this. Why can't I do something?" Or, "wow, she went back to school and now does that and she is a mom of 5?" Uuuuggggggg! So frustrating!
Where is my self-esteem when I need it? Where is my boldness when I need it? Where is my "who cares what other people think" attitude when I need it?
I think I need to get back to the feet of my Savior. I need to stop the noise and listen intently to my God. If He allows me to do what I would like to do, then that is a gift from Him! And He will bless it. Regardless of what others think or say.
Only He will make my paths known to me.
God bless you!

It's Time!

This morning I decided was a perfect morning for a walk! So I put on my tennis shoes, turned on my MP3 player, and away I went. I love morning walks! The beautiful sunrises! Listening to my favorite worship songs. Just me and my God. It's peace. It's quiet.

I have had a lot of "junk" swirling around in my head again lately. A lot of the "what if" thoughts. A lot of anxiety. A lot of negativity. This morning on my walk, I listened to a song by Nichole Nordeman called "I AM", and I realized that despite all my talks to myself and to others about ME, it's time to focus on my God and His goodness! It's time to jot down His attributes and His names that mean so much to me. After all, my life is all about Him. Not me. If it weren't for Him, I would not be the woman I am today. Doing His work. Whatever that may be.

MY GOD IS:
Holy, Awesome, Amazing, Healer, Forgiver, Sustainer, Provider, my Papa, Deliverer, my Superhero, I Am, Compassionate, Gracious, Slow to Anger, Abounding in Love, my Best Friend, my Messiah, Shepherd, Savior, Redeemer, my Rock, my Lord, Perfect....

...my list could go on and on! He is so worthy of all this and so much more.
I had a thought this morning. We are adding a bathroom on to our bedroom and it seems like it is taking FOREVER! I was feeling quiet upset this morning about it and as I was walking I thought, "it's only a bathroom! What if I was this passionate about Jesus returning? What if I was this impatient for Him to come again?" This isn't the first time I have had this thought, and it really put things into perspective for me. Is my life reflecting all those names that I have given my Lord? Do people see Him in me? No matter what happens in my life? No matter what He may have in store for me?

As I am busy typing this blog, I thought of something. And I am kind of going out on a limb here, but I'm going to try it. I know that as you have read this you have thought of other names for our God. If you have, I would love for you to share them with me. Post a comment with those names. Let's see how many attributes we can give our God!
God bless you!

Once Again

What a wonderful day today was! We were able to go to church and worship our Lord and Savior, and I was able to do absolutely nothing for the rest of the day.
My day started out pretty normal. Very slow and lazy. Before I knew it, it was time to get ready for church. I went to go pick out an outfit, and ONCE AGAIN, pretty much nothing fit! No, I don't mean the typical "nothing" so that I can go shopping :). I mean I put on a pair of my favorite, dressy capris, and the pockets were majorly pulling! I thought my favorite blouse would cover the "snug look", however, my blouse was even smaller than my capris! Oh, I was able to get it buttoned, but the 2 inch gap in between the buttons was not going to work for church! So, ONCE AGAIN, the overwhelming feeling came over me. I am F-A-T! And, ONCE AGAIN, my loving husband reasurred me I wasn't, and that I was beautiful.
So, finding something that was incredibly tight, but worked, I went on to ONCE AGAIN plaster makeup on my face and do my hair just right so that I could look just right.....at church. ONCE AGAIN, I became more concerned about my looks than my attitude toward God.
ONCE AGAIN I allowed myself to hear ED (remember - Eating Disorder). He told me I needed to loose all this weight again. If only I could get back down to where I was just a few short months ago, all those cute clothes would fit. But I told myself I didn't want to go back to "dieting". I love to eat! I am enjoying eating! (I have a bowl of ice cream sitting next to me right now as I am typing this.) The thought of watching every little morsel that I eat makes me sad. I don't want to go there again, but I don't want to keep gaining weight either! I hate this! I hate this! ONCE AGAIN, ED is knocking on my door and I am trying, with all my strength, to keep the door closed! I am beautiful........right????

However! ONCE AGAIN, God reminded me throughout this week of the many, wonderful, true friends I have and how loved I am. ONCE AGAIN, God reminded me, this week, that my family is, indeed, right by my side, every step of the way, and they do love me and are proud of me. ONCE AGAIN, God has put visions in my mind of me dancing with Him someday. I invision it to be in a huge ball room. And everyone is watching. Something like Cinderella.

Psalm 71:21 says, "You will increase my honor and comfort me ONCE AGAIN".

ONCE AGAIN, I am in awe of God and His love for me and His concern for me.

God bless you!

Give it all you've got!

I took this saying from a movie my kids were watching this morning that I caught glimpses of. In one of the scenes that I saw, this phrase was repeated several times. It made me think of myself in so many ways.
My family and I had quite a weekend. Words like fun, excitement, love, acceptance, hatred, unexceptence, cutting down, all seem to sum it up.
I have always been known as a very sensitive person. (I know, for those of you reading this that know me well, you are laughing in agreement, aren't you?) I have been told "you take things too seriously", "you wear your heart on your sleeve", "I can read you like a book", etc. I hate hearing that, it hurts. That would be me. Ms. Sensitivity!
This weekend I was belittled, looked down on, hated, and blamed. I don't do well with that. In fact, yup, confession time, I even told my husband that I didn't want to be around anymore. Everyone would be so much better off without me. Okay, so maybe I didn't mean it, and I certainly didn't mean to send my husband into a panic. But that is how I felt.
But this morning God used one little phrase from a movie to give me a huge reminder. "Give it all you've got." Life isn't going to be perfect. HELLO! I have enough experience in that department!
Just because I'm a Princess doesn't mean all is going to be well. God says in John 16:33 "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." And he also says in Deuteronomy 31:8 "The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. DO not be afraid; do not be discouraged."
So if God promises that he is never going to leave me, that I am not to be afraid or discouraged, that I am to take heart, than for heaven's sake how come I am not giving it all I've got?
I'm not sure what God has planned for my life. I want to follow Him and Him only 100%. I don't know what that means, or what I may need to do, or whom I need to let go. But I do know one thing, I am totally going to commit to GIVING IT ALL I'VE GOT!
God bless you!

What if?

Another suggestion my counselor had for me was to get rid of all the "what if" thoughts in my head. She said I should write them down and also write down a positive for every "what if" thought that I have. So, that is what I am going to do.
Of course, my biggest one has been "what if I gain all my weight back, and everyone laughs at me for being a failure." What if I do? I am healthier, both physically and mentally, now than a year ago when I was a lot thinner.
What if God hadn't allowed me to go through the struggles of an eating disorder? I wouldn't have had to deal with all this crap! What if He uses me because of it? What if Beth, or one of her friends, or a friend, or another mom, or whomever, opens up to me that she, too, is struggling with an eating disorder? I can tell her 100% that I understand.
What if God had just given me a "normal" childhood? What if my mom didn't have an addiction and I didn't need to go through nights and days of the pains of a parent with an addiction? What if God uses me because of that?
What if my mom and dad read my blog? What if my brother and sister-in-law read it? What will they think? What if they won't acknowledge me anymore? What if they hate me for it? There is nothing more painful to me than that thought. But what if, for some reason, they might find healing in it? What if they are proud of me for doing it?
What if everyone around me really doesn't like me and they are just pretending? What if I really am high strung and no one can stand to be around me? What if I walk in a room and people cringe? What if, when I sing on the praise team, I sound absolutely terrible, but yet no one dares to tell me the truth? What if I am so ugly that no one wants to look at me? What if I am really, truley, all alone? What if....what if.....what if.......
One of my favorite verses is Proverbs 3:5. "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding."
Maybe if I stopped leaning on my own understanding, I would see more of what God is doing with my life!
What if everyone around me does like me and they aren't pretending? Than how blessed am I with so many wonderful friends! And what if I am high strung? Maybe that makes me fun to be around! What if, when I walk in a room, God uses my smile to brighten it up? What if I really, truly sound good singing? I'm not looking to go professional, but what if I'm not bad either? Then I pray the joy God gives me when I sing is spread to those around me? And what if I am ugly? Does it really matter? You see, there is going to be a day when I am going to dance with my Almighty King. He is waiting for me. And how could I possibly stand face to face with my Creator and question my beauty? The very One who made me just how I am. I will be stunning!!!! That is all that matters!
One of my absolute favorite artists is Francesca Battistelli. LOVE HER!!! One of her songs is called Behind The Scenes. The words are: "You may think I'm just fine. How could anything ever be out of line? I take my time to set the stage, to make sure everything is all in place. Even though I've got the lines rehearsed, a picture only paints a thousand words. Things aren't always what they seem. You're only seeing part of me. There's more than you could ever know behind the scenes..." That's how I feel a lot. Especially when I go to church, or bible study. I want people to think everything is just fine. Perfect. But how tired I am of that. What if I showed up next Sunday just being ME? Would people still like me? What if I'm really crabby? What if my hair isn't "just so"? What if...what if...what if......
I think it is high time I stopped leaning on my own understandings. I must trust in the Lord with all my heart! He is the only one I want to live for!
God bless you!

C-R-A-B-B-Y

Today was just one of those days. I was just so crabby! It all started when the dry-wall guy (we are finally adding a bathroom onto our master bedroom)showed up at 7:00 this morning. That was just a little TOO early. Then my boys did nothing but fight with each other all day. If I need to hear "MMMMMOOOOOOOMMMMMM!" one more time, I am going to scream! And because our house is "under construction", it is a complete mess! And that makes me crabby! Also, I was looking at a picture that our neighbor took today of Jim and I. I got so upset. I actually called Jim a liar because the woman I saw in that picture (me) was very heavy and not very pretty! How can he possibly tell me I'm beautiful and looking "healthy"! I didn't feel good, I was tired, and I had just plain had it. I was sick of putting on my "happy face", pretending I was all good. I wanted to just be by myself, feel sorry for myself. Have a pity party.
As I was outside working in my flower garden, feeling sorry for myself, a thought crossed my mind. Isn't it wonderful that my heavenly Papa doesn't get crabby with me? He promises us that He will never leave us or forsake us. Isn't that awesome? I can be as crabby as I want (okay, maybe not how I want), and He is still there, waiting with His arms wide open for me. Talk about melting away those crabby's!
My crabby day ended on a great note, though. We spent the evening hanging out with our friends at their pool. But these aren't just ordinary friends. These are friends who we call family. They have seen the worst of me, the tears, the scrawny-ness, the fear. And they have seen the best of me, my high strung-ness (is that a word?) Anyway, and they still seem to love me just the same.
What a gift from God, isn't it? When we are given those people in our lives that love us just how we are.
Just how we are. Beautiful!
God bless you!

Tarnished Tiara

Today we celebrated my daughters 12th birthday. Our oldest child, our only girl. Someone please tell me where in the world the past 12 years went? What happened to my little pig-tailed girl running around in cute little outfits with matching socks and hair bows? I'll tell you what happened. The little pig-tails have now turned into a ponytail with a head band. The cute little outfits have turned into adorable, expensive outfits. And heaven forbid they have matching socks or even a hairbow! Those cute, squeezable cheeks now don make-up and zits. And what is with the hormonal attitude????? One minute she's laughing, then all of a sudden she is yelling at her brothers, and then, poof, she's crying. OVER WHAT??????? But one thing is for sure. She is absolutely beautiful. In fact, she is stunning!
When I first started my blog, she wanted to read it. I told her no. I never have told her anything about my eating disorder. I always tried to keep it from her. She didn't need to know that. Why? Because that would make me imperfect in her eyes. When Beth was born, the minute the doctor said it was a girl, I made it my life mission to be the best mom to her ever. Since my mom and I had no real relationship, I knew this must be God's way of allowing me that chance to have that mother/daughter relationship I always dreamed of. Right? So why should she have to know about this? Her persistence paid off on her end. I was so frustrated with her nagging me I gave in. I said "fine, read it", and walked away. No longer was I "perfect" in her eyes. She was now finding out the truth. Just like all of you who read this.
So what's the big deal anyway? Everyone knows I'm not perfect. And why would I want my daughter to think I'm perfect? I mean, really! Do I want her to be struggling with something and not want to come to me because I'm "perfect"? Absolutely not! That's not me. I'm real. Whether you like it or not. I'm flawed. My tiara is tarnished. Or is it? Just when I start to think that I am not worth much, my King, my Papa, gently reminds me just how beautiful I am to Him. All of a sudden, my tiara isn't tarnished anymore. In fact, it's gleaming.
How do I make sure Beth knows she is beautiful? How do I make sure all the women in my life know they are beautiful. My sister-in-laws, my cousins, my aunts, my sisters in Christ, my mom-in-law.....my mom? A couple of months ago, I swallowed my pride and took my mom out for lunch. I wanted her to explain more of her childhood. Maybe it would help me understand her addiction more. I told her I thought she was beautiful. I meant it. She said no one ever told her that before. If someone would have told her, everyday, that she was beautiful, would that have made a difference in her life? Would she not have become addicted to pills? Jim tells me everyday that I am beautiful. I have a hard time believing this, but is that what has helped me overcome my eating disorder? Maybe.
Maybe us women need to start telling each other, everyday, just how beautiful we are. You know what kind of an impact the media has on us women with what we should look like. If we could see each other for who we really are, for the beautiful women that we are,even with all our flaws, then the media wouldn't stand a chance with us! Now there's a thought!
God bless you!

The "D" Word

When I was going through the roughest time of my eating disorder, there was I time I was sitting in my counselors office and telling her I couldn't do it anymore. I just wanted it to all go away. She said to me, "Jen, I think it's time we talk about medicine." She told me that eating disorders and depression go hand in hand. I did not want to go down this road. I grew up with a mom who was addicted to pretty much any type of pills she could get her hands on. She would go from doctor to doctor, from city to different city, just so that she could get more pills. She would buy energy pills, diet pills, prescription pills, and she would take them all, at the same time. She would then, of course, overdose, and start to seizure. Let me tell you, as a young girl, there is nothing more scary than seeing your mom convulsing on the floor. At one point in time, she was diagnosed with depression and given medication. Which she took all at one time. I made it my life's goal to not be her. I wanted to prove to my dad that I was not going to be like my mom. So when my counselor told me I had depression and need medicine, you can about imagine the sick feeling in my stomach. I DID NOT WANT TO BE MY MOM! But, I listened to my counselor, and agreed to start medicine. And what a difference it has made, and what do you know, I didn't turn into my mom!
It is amazing to me that I have hung in here this long without medicine. I look back on the past years and I know I have been dealing with depression for quite some time. Hhhmmm....I wonder why. There have been several times over the last few years where I just didn't want to deal with life anymore. About a year and a half ago a very dear friend took her own life. She, too, didn't want to deal with life anymore, and she actually decided to end it. I remember how mad I was. But I can't say it was 100% because she did this to "us". I think part of it was because she didn't need to deal with life anymore, and I did. Isn't that sad? I remember sitting on our steps one night after putting our kids to bed and just praying that God would not let me wake up in the morning. So, yes, I do believe it was time for me to get help from medicine.
A couple of weeks ago, someone at church said I was "high strung". Now I know he meant well. He is such a great guy, and I know he didn't mean to hurt me, but it did. I have always been "bubbly", but let me tell you, you mix Prozac with bubbly, and I guess you get high strung. When I stop to think about it, I would much rather be high strung than wishing I didn't need to wake up in the morning. I would much rather be high strung and enjoying food than being depressed, super skinny, and not enjoying food. God is good.
Depression is not fun, and it is so real. We can't hide this anymore. We need to talk about it. We need to be here for each other. I know I am not the only one taking medication for depression. I know I'm not! We need to stick together, get through it together, and wear those tiara's proudly!
God bless you!

A love/hate relationship

Do you know what I hate? I hate swimsuits! And I also hate the fact that most of my clothes from last summer don't even come close to fitting. And I hate going shopping and grabbing a size that I am SURE will fit, only to find out it is WAY too small. I hate all these advertisements for weight lose programs. Every time I turn on the TV or open up a magazine, it's all right there. "You, too can loose 25 pounds by tomorrow following our plan." "Look good for the swimsuit season by doing this." "Work your way to a flatter tummy." UUUGGGGGG! And do you know what else I hate? All this talk about everyone running!
Okay, okay, okay. Hold on a minute. Before you get all defensive and chew me out, please hear me out. Remember I am trying to overcome this whole eating disorder thing. So there are a lot of things that are hard for me, and may not be hard for you. Remember, I vowed to be honest here.
Sure, there are some really cute swimsuits out there. In fact, now I know this may be a rare occasion (at least it is for me), but don't you feel so good when you find just that right bathing suit, and you really do feel good in it? I do. I get it home. I put it on when it's time to go to the pool or beach, feeling all confident. Walk to the pool or up to the beach, and then WHAM! There she is. Some chic, my age, with kids, and looking fabulous! And super skinny to boot. All of a sudden I feel like every single roll on my body is protruding 15 extra inches! My confidence just went down the tube.
And all this talk about running. Before I elaborate on that, may I please just say that there are many of you that will read this that are very, very dear friends of mine that are running for an extremely good cause right now. I love all of you so very much and my life would not be the same without you. It is not you that I dislike, it is the running. Why? Because while all of you are running and loosing weight, I am sitting here not running, or even exercising for that matter, and gaining weight. So while you are proud of how far you have run, and post it for all to see, I am feeling worse and worse about myself. Why can't you just keep that to yourselves? (okay, not really, I just needed to get that off my chest. Thanks)
And speaking of me gaining weight, that brings me to another thing that I hate. GAINING WEIGHT! Apparently, last year, I was "too skinny". Not quite sure if that is possible. And this year, I am "healthy looking". Okay, so let me figure this out. When I think of someone looking "healthy" I immediately think of newborns. Let me explain. When our daughter, who is also our first born, was born, she weighed 7 pounds, 14 ounces. She was just such a little peanut. Now, when our last son was born, also our last child, he weighed 9 pounds, 4 ounces. So many people (including me) said, "oh, he is such a healthy looking baby". The bigger the baby, the "healthier" they look, right? So is this true about adults? When someone says to me, "you look so much healthier", I sort of giggle inside (on a good day) and think, that must be their way of saying, "my, you have certainly gained weight".

Okay, so enough about what I hate, I have vented enough. What is it that I love?
Obviously my almighty King, first and for most. And of course my husband and kids and friends. With all that said, my absolute love, get ready for this. This is going to make NO sense coming from someone with an eating disorder, I know, but I am serious. I LOVE FOOD!!!!!!!!!! I LOVE to eat. I love the fact that this summer I am not sweating over every last morsel that I eat, where as last summer I did. I love eating ice cream! I love eating frosting. No, not on anything, just by the spoonful. I love the days when I feel good about myself, and don't care that I haven't exercised or watched what I ate for the last, oh, MONTH! I love being me!!!

So why can't I love being me every day? Why do I need to be so hard on myself? Why do I need to be so self-conscious? Why do I really care what others think of me? I don't know. Well, actually I do know. It is when I take my eyes off God and put them right back on me, which seems to happen way more than I want. You see, God created me to be the woman HE wants me to be, not the woman I think I need to be. Who cares if my rolls stick out in my bathing suit more than my neighbors (love you), and who cares if I had a MEDIUM mint m&m flurry a couple of nights ago and haven't exercised for a while. What does it really matter? Remember, I am God's Princess. (why oh why is that so hard to believe sometimes) Do you believe that about yourself? I wonder how all of us women would be (sorry if there are guys reading this)if we all loved ourselves for who we are, regardless of our size, looks, hair, clothes, etc.
I pray you feel like the Princess God created you to be. After all, "there could never be a more beautiful YOU".
God bless you!

What's in a name?

So what is with the name of my blog anyway? Is it because I think that what I write is so incredible it should be treated as a jewel? HAH! Hardly!

Let me explain it this way. I am a Princess! And princesses where Tiara's on their head, right? And what are tiara's made of? Jewels, of course (well, real ones anyway, unlike the ones I have bought from the dollar store for my daughter.) And I believe that everything God brings me through in my life is another jewel added to my tiara.

What was that? Are you seriously questioning the fact that I am a princess? Do you not know who I am? I am a daughter of the almighty King!!! And that, my friends, makes me a princess!


Why is it that in every movie or story, the Princess is always drop dead gorgeous? Why?

One of the trials that God has brought me through, or should I say, is bringing me through is my struggle with an eating disorder. Yup, you read right, I have an eating disorder. Whew! I said it. Too bad that didn't just magically take it away. Hey, I said I am a princess, but give me a break, I don't have magical powers with that title!

This has been an area that I have questioned God a lot in. Why did I have to go through this? Isn't this something teenage girls go through, not grown women? On the contrary, eating disorders are very common among women my age, something I had no idea about.

When I sit and reflect on why, I believe it has everything to do with me, not God. The person I started seeing in the mirror was someone I hated, not God's princess. "Why am I so ugly?" "Why am I so fat?" "Why is everyone else so much prettier than I am?" I began to be consumed by these thoughts. Yes, I do believe that the devil had a huge part in this. After all, he knows our weaknesses, and I was a huge weakness to myself. I started comparing myself to everyone else around me. "Look at that mom, she is so skinny!" "Good grief, she had 4 kids too, and look at her!" And from there I went to magazines. Do you realize how many skinny moms are in magazines, especially parenting magazines? UUGGG! So I got caught up in making myself look like all the other women I saw, and who I thought I needed to look like. And with my focus on myself, my focus on God and everyone else around me diminished. I became obsessed with what I ate (or didn't eat). I weighed myself every single day, and if I gained even a pound, I was very careful what I ate that day. I was VERY diligent in exercising, and when I felt like I ate too much, I would exercise even more. To be honest, I was feeling really good. I loved it when people gave me compliments. But I started feeding on those compliments (no pun intented). When people stopped giving me compliments, I took that as a "sign" that I was getting fat, and needed to loose more weight. There was one Sunday at church where a lady told me that her husband was wondering if I was sick. That was the greatest compliment ever. I know, eating disorders have a way of distorting everything, and I mean everything!

I have had to learn to let go of all those lies. I have had to run back into my Fathers arms. I have had to succumb to medication, which I vowed I would never do. I have needed the help of an amazing Christian counselor, and still do. This is all still a work in progress. God is still working on me and bringing me through. It is a battle that is far from being over. In fact, today was one of those "not so good days". But every day is just one step closer to being done with ED (get it, Eating Disorder? I was getting sick of typing that out every time.)


So there you have it, well, a glimpse anyway. Obviously through my postings you will learn a lot more. Sorry! But like I said earlier, I am just being open and honest.

Here we go!

So here I am....with a blog. Where to begin. I guess first of all, maybe just a little bit of explanation as to WHY I started a blog. My only real explanation is God. I'm not here to give updates on my family, although they may sneak in here once in a while. I don't have any major illness that I need to keep everyone up to date on, however, what a wonderful tool God has given those who do. I'm here because I felt God nudging me to do this. To keep sort of a diary, if you will, being open, honest, and candid about my life. You see, God has brought me through some pretty big challenges in my life, ones that I never expected to go through, yet ones that I know I am not alone in. I want to reach out to others in the same "boat" I am in. To lend love, support, and strength to others, and maybe to gain those for myself as well.
I feel like I am standing at the beginning of a one way street. The only way to go is ahead. I cannot turn around, I cannot take back what I type and send. I am terrified as to what everyone who reads this will think of me. I know there will be lots of you who know me that are reading this. Please don't think any less of me. I am God's priceless Princess, and that is ALL that matters!
I am sitting on our deck typing this. Enjoying the wonderful breeze, the sounds of birds, my farm kitty...and the wonderful fragrance of PIGS!!!!!!!!!!!! Aaahhhhh, nothing like that farm fresh smell! My husband says, "It is the smell of money." Uuummm..........don't think so!!! :D I have so much more I want to type, but feel like I have already been too lengthy today. I'll be back tomorrow, ready to hit the gas and go down that one way street. I hope you will come with me.
God bless you!!