A love/hate relationship

Do you know what I hate? I hate swimsuits! And I also hate the fact that most of my clothes from last summer don't even come close to fitting. And I hate going shopping and grabbing a size that I am SURE will fit, only to find out it is WAY too small. I hate all these advertisements for weight lose programs. Every time I turn on the TV or open up a magazine, it's all right there. "You, too can loose 25 pounds by tomorrow following our plan." "Look good for the swimsuit season by doing this." "Work your way to a flatter tummy." UUUGGGGGG! And do you know what else I hate? All this talk about everyone running!
Okay, okay, okay. Hold on a minute. Before you get all defensive and chew me out, please hear me out. Remember I am trying to overcome this whole eating disorder thing. So there are a lot of things that are hard for me, and may not be hard for you. Remember, I vowed to be honest here.
Sure, there are some really cute swimsuits out there. In fact, now I know this may be a rare occasion (at least it is for me), but don't you feel so good when you find just that right bathing suit, and you really do feel good in it? I do. I get it home. I put it on when it's time to go to the pool or beach, feeling all confident. Walk to the pool or up to the beach, and then WHAM! There she is. Some chic, my age, with kids, and looking fabulous! And super skinny to boot. All of a sudden I feel like every single roll on my body is protruding 15 extra inches! My confidence just went down the tube.
And all this talk about running. Before I elaborate on that, may I please just say that there are many of you that will read this that are very, very dear friends of mine that are running for an extremely good cause right now. I love all of you so very much and my life would not be the same without you. It is not you that I dislike, it is the running. Why? Because while all of you are running and loosing weight, I am sitting here not running, or even exercising for that matter, and gaining weight. So while you are proud of how far you have run, and post it for all to see, I am feeling worse and worse about myself. Why can't you just keep that to yourselves? (okay, not really, I just needed to get that off my chest. Thanks)
And speaking of me gaining weight, that brings me to another thing that I hate. GAINING WEIGHT! Apparently, last year, I was "too skinny". Not quite sure if that is possible. And this year, I am "healthy looking". Okay, so let me figure this out. When I think of someone looking "healthy" I immediately think of newborns. Let me explain. When our daughter, who is also our first born, was born, she weighed 7 pounds, 14 ounces. She was just such a little peanut. Now, when our last son was born, also our last child, he weighed 9 pounds, 4 ounces. So many people (including me) said, "oh, he is such a healthy looking baby". The bigger the baby, the "healthier" they look, right? So is this true about adults? When someone says to me, "you look so much healthier", I sort of giggle inside (on a good day) and think, that must be their way of saying, "my, you have certainly gained weight".

Okay, so enough about what I hate, I have vented enough. What is it that I love?
Obviously my almighty King, first and for most. And of course my husband and kids and friends. With all that said, my absolute love, get ready for this. This is going to make NO sense coming from someone with an eating disorder, I know, but I am serious. I LOVE FOOD!!!!!!!!!! I LOVE to eat. I love the fact that this summer I am not sweating over every last morsel that I eat, where as last summer I did. I love eating ice cream! I love eating frosting. No, not on anything, just by the spoonful. I love the days when I feel good about myself, and don't care that I haven't exercised or watched what I ate for the last, oh, MONTH! I love being me!!!

So why can't I love being me every day? Why do I need to be so hard on myself? Why do I need to be so self-conscious? Why do I really care what others think of me? I don't know. Well, actually I do know. It is when I take my eyes off God and put them right back on me, which seems to happen way more than I want. You see, God created me to be the woman HE wants me to be, not the woman I think I need to be. Who cares if my rolls stick out in my bathing suit more than my neighbors (love you), and who cares if I had a MEDIUM mint m&m flurry a couple of nights ago and haven't exercised for a while. What does it really matter? Remember, I am God's Princess. (why oh why is that so hard to believe sometimes) Do you believe that about yourself? I wonder how all of us women would be (sorry if there are guys reading this)if we all loved ourselves for who we are, regardless of our size, looks, hair, clothes, etc.
I pray you feel like the Princess God created you to be. After all, "there could never be a more beautiful YOU".
God bless you!