What if?

Another suggestion my counselor had for me was to get rid of all the "what if" thoughts in my head. She said I should write them down and also write down a positive for every "what if" thought that I have. So, that is what I am going to do.
Of course, my biggest one has been "what if I gain all my weight back, and everyone laughs at me for being a failure." What if I do? I am healthier, both physically and mentally, now than a year ago when I was a lot thinner.
What if God hadn't allowed me to go through the struggles of an eating disorder? I wouldn't have had to deal with all this crap! What if He uses me because of it? What if Beth, or one of her friends, or a friend, or another mom, or whomever, opens up to me that she, too, is struggling with an eating disorder? I can tell her 100% that I understand.
What if God had just given me a "normal" childhood? What if my mom didn't have an addiction and I didn't need to go through nights and days of the pains of a parent with an addiction? What if God uses me because of that?
What if my mom and dad read my blog? What if my brother and sister-in-law read it? What will they think? What if they won't acknowledge me anymore? What if they hate me for it? There is nothing more painful to me than that thought. But what if, for some reason, they might find healing in it? What if they are proud of me for doing it?
What if everyone around me really doesn't like me and they are just pretending? What if I really am high strung and no one can stand to be around me? What if I walk in a room and people cringe? What if, when I sing on the praise team, I sound absolutely terrible, but yet no one dares to tell me the truth? What if I am so ugly that no one wants to look at me? What if I am really, truley, all alone? What if....what if.....what if.......
One of my favorite verses is Proverbs 3:5. "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding."
Maybe if I stopped leaning on my own understanding, I would see more of what God is doing with my life!
What if everyone around me does like me and they aren't pretending? Than how blessed am I with so many wonderful friends! And what if I am high strung? Maybe that makes me fun to be around! What if, when I walk in a room, God uses my smile to brighten it up? What if I really, truly sound good singing? I'm not looking to go professional, but what if I'm not bad either? Then I pray the joy God gives me when I sing is spread to those around me? And what if I am ugly? Does it really matter? You see, there is going to be a day when I am going to dance with my Almighty King. He is waiting for me. And how could I possibly stand face to face with my Creator and question my beauty? The very One who made me just how I am. I will be stunning!!!! That is all that matters!
One of my absolute favorite artists is Francesca Battistelli. LOVE HER!!! One of her songs is called Behind The Scenes. The words are: "You may think I'm just fine. How could anything ever be out of line? I take my time to set the stage, to make sure everything is all in place. Even though I've got the lines rehearsed, a picture only paints a thousand words. Things aren't always what they seem. You're only seeing part of me. There's more than you could ever know behind the scenes..." That's how I feel a lot. Especially when I go to church, or bible study. I want people to think everything is just fine. Perfect. But how tired I am of that. What if I showed up next Sunday just being ME? Would people still like me? What if I'm really crabby? What if my hair isn't "just so"? What if...what if...what if......
I think it is high time I stopped leaning on my own understandings. I must trust in the Lord with all my heart! He is the only one I want to live for!
God bless you!