The "D" Word

When I was going through the roughest time of my eating disorder, there was I time I was sitting in my counselors office and telling her I couldn't do it anymore. I just wanted it to all go away. She said to me, "Jen, I think it's time we talk about medicine." She told me that eating disorders and depression go hand in hand. I did not want to go down this road. I grew up with a mom who was addicted to pretty much any type of pills she could get her hands on. She would go from doctor to doctor, from city to different city, just so that she could get more pills. She would buy energy pills, diet pills, prescription pills, and she would take them all, at the same time. She would then, of course, overdose, and start to seizure. Let me tell you, as a young girl, there is nothing more scary than seeing your mom convulsing on the floor. At one point in time, she was diagnosed with depression and given medication. Which she took all at one time. I made it my life's goal to not be her. I wanted to prove to my dad that I was not going to be like my mom. So when my counselor told me I had depression and need medicine, you can about imagine the sick feeling in my stomach. I DID NOT WANT TO BE MY MOM! But, I listened to my counselor, and agreed to start medicine. And what a difference it has made, and what do you know, I didn't turn into my mom!
It is amazing to me that I have hung in here this long without medicine. I look back on the past years and I know I have been dealing with depression for quite some time. Hhhmmm....I wonder why. There have been several times over the last few years where I just didn't want to deal with life anymore. About a year and a half ago a very dear friend took her own life. She, too, didn't want to deal with life anymore, and she actually decided to end it. I remember how mad I was. But I can't say it was 100% because she did this to "us". I think part of it was because she didn't need to deal with life anymore, and I did. Isn't that sad? I remember sitting on our steps one night after putting our kids to bed and just praying that God would not let me wake up in the morning. So, yes, I do believe it was time for me to get help from medicine.
A couple of weeks ago, someone at church said I was "high strung". Now I know he meant well. He is such a great guy, and I know he didn't mean to hurt me, but it did. I have always been "bubbly", but let me tell you, you mix Prozac with bubbly, and I guess you get high strung. When I stop to think about it, I would much rather be high strung than wishing I didn't need to wake up in the morning. I would much rather be high strung and enjoying food than being depressed, super skinny, and not enjoying food. God is good.
Depression is not fun, and it is so real. We can't hide this anymore. We need to talk about it. We need to be here for each other. I know I am not the only one taking medication for depression. I know I'm not! We need to stick together, get through it together, and wear those tiara's proudly!
God bless you!