If you have been following me through this blog with my life journeys, you will remember a few weeks ago I wrote about my "sensitivity". How I take things too seriously. How I "wear my heart on my sleeve", etc. Well, for the last week or so, I have really been thinking about this, and it has gotten me quite frustrated. It seems like, for me, that the lack of boldness goes along with my sensitivity. Well, to a degree. Actually, as I am typing this, thoughts are just swirling around my head as to how this statement is only true some of the time.
For instance, I have absolutely no problem getting up on stage in front of other people. No problem at all. For my birthday, my family took me to a restaurant and made it very known that it was my birthday, so I had to stand on a chair. No problem.
However, why am I so afraid to do something that I want to do? I have been "dreaming", in a sense, of doing something for the past year or so, but won't do it. I am too afraid of what other people will think, or what they will say to me. I'm afraid that no one will support me. That frustrates me!
When someone treats me a little stand-offish (yes, that is my word), I instantly feel like I am a creep! Why can't I just right away acknowledge that person, strike up a friendly conversation, and be nice. Maybe that person didn't recognize me at first. It is so frustrating to me!
I remember when I was younger, I used to stand in the middle of our living room and pretend I was a singer and a speaker. Oh, I had lots to speak about. But I remember someone telling me that I could never be a singer, because in order to do that, I needed to have voice lessons, and I wasn't good enough for that.
I remember when I was in high school trying to figure out what I was going to do with my life, I would throw out all different ideas for a career. I even went as far as to think about being a lawyer and living in a big city. Far cry from my life now as a stay at home mom living on a pig farm! Haa! But I remember my dad telling me honestly that I would never be able to do that because I didn't have good enough grades. Thank you dad for talking me out of that one! But, deep down inside, I wonder if it bothered me more than I knew. There is no way my dad was putting me down, but did I feel that way? Was I not smart enough?
What is keeping me from just doing what I want to do? From being brave enough?
Is it God? Is this His way of telling me "not now"? Or is He trying to tell me "go for it", and I am digging my heels in the dirt because I am too afraid? This is so frustrating!
If you will remember, I love to compare myself to other women. And one area is their "accomplishments". I am so quick to think, "well, she has 4 kids and she does this and this and this and this. Why can't I do something?" Or, "wow, she went back to school and now does that and she is a mom of 5?" Uuuuggggggg! So frustrating!
Where is my self-esteem when I need it? Where is my boldness when I need it? Where is my "who cares what other people think" attitude when I need it?
I think I need to get back to the feet of my Savior. I need to stop the noise and listen intently to my God. If He allows me to do what I would like to do, then that is a gift from Him! And He will bless it. Regardless of what others think or say.
Only He will make my paths known to me.
God bless you!
Jenny, this is the second time on a late evening I have come across your post. It seems to me, as a former Niekerker, that you are only echoing what has gone through all of our minds. Your transparency is refreshing, and your sentiments right on, don't we all have the same insecurities? I am with you on the part about being able to "show for the world what they want to see" and the inability to go after what is really in our hearts to do. I love performing and always have, plays, singing, whatever... when I'm on stage, it's not reality... I too wanted to be a lawyer in the big city, not to be when a certain school adviser (HC) told me I'd never get into college, which I did, but it was enough discouragement, I'm afraid to say. The hardest part is letting go and letting God, and not trying to control so much. Thanks for your post, and know, you have an echo out here...
ReplyDeleteDawn Phillips (quickly becoming a fan ;)
Jenny There are a lot of things that you are blessed with that sometime you don't see it and other people do. It maybe not be what you want it to be but some people think its very special. And Im one of those people like the words I have told you before when we had a talk. you have words that help me be a better person you have words that make me laugh. I think that you are the best person in the world you are good at alot of things like being a Mom , Wife ,and Friend God will let us be something if he wants and know that its going to make you happy and if God wanted you to be a Lawyer in a Big City then he would have made you be just that but he knew that you would not be happy as much as you are I think you have a great heart and your good a lot of things some time we just need to open are eyes and see the things that God wants us to be and be happy with in sted of wish you was this or that thinking that would have made you a happy person but do you ever think that maybe you are a lawyer in a different way and you didn't even have to go to college for it?
ReplyDeleteJenny I think your a wonderful Friend and God has blessed you with great things take care and hope to see you soon your friend always and forever Vicki