"PUKE!"

So I looked up the definition for puke, and it referred me to vomit. This is one of the definitions: "to cast out or eject as if in vomiting; send out forcefully or violently".
So why in the world am I starting out my blog like this? Especially since it has been FOREVER since I have written anything? Because that is exactly what I am about to do. I am using my blog to "puke" out everything that is bottled up inside of me. So if you are not in the mood to "hear" me whine, than don't read this. But I am about to explode, so I am forcefully casting out my thoughts!
I am so weary! I have had it with everything in this household being left up to me. The cleaning, the cooking, the laundry, the picking up, the running here, there and everywhere! The bedtime, the disciplining, the getting everyone out the door on time! I'm tired of my husband being so busy with all HIS stuff that it feels like everything if left up to ME. (Now, before anyone goes and starts some nasty rumor about me and Jim, our marriage is wonderful. In fact, he is reading this very blog.)I just wish he wasn't so pre-occupied.
And if I hear about one more woman my age and in my position talk about how wonderful it is that her mom or sister can help out with the kids, or cleaning her house, or doing laundry, I am going to SCREAM!!!!!!!!!!! Hello!!! I don't have a sister to help me. And my mom??? YEA RIGHT!!! I'm alone!
And speaking of my mom. I was feeling so exhausted tonight, that for a fleeting moment, I thought about picking up the phone to call my mom. Just to talk to someone and vent. That thought was so short lived. First of all, she would never understand. Second of all, the chances of her answering and sounding "normal" are slim. I don't need to deal with that right now. Oh how I wish I had a "normal" mom to talk to. Who could understand me. Who was there for me. Why??
Our family is getting ready to go on vacation. I have been busy getting everyone ready and packed. I have been putting off getting out my summer clothes from last year. Hmm....I wonder why? (You didn't think I was going to leave out THIS part of my life, did you?) So I bit the bullet tonight and took out my summer clothes. NOTHING, and I do mean NOTHING, fits. At all! Oh, wait, my underwear still fits. Not sure how. So I guess SOMETHING fits. Kind of.
I have my suitcase open and not a frickin' thing to put in it. Excuse my language. I am insanely frustrated! I'm sure you may be saying, "so why don't you exercise?" I don't WANT to exercise. I exercised so much when I was dealing with my eating disorder that I don't want to exercise. I don't feel like it.
And speaking of feelings. This weekend is Easter. My family is coming over for Easter. My daughters dress needed some alterations. My house needs major cleaning. I need to make something to feed them. For crying out loud, it's Easter! The time we celebrate the rising of my Lord and Savior! The emotions should be overwhelming for me right now. Sadness because of what Jesus did for me, rejoicing because of what my Savior did for me. But I'm numb right now. Too much to do. To much to think about. Um, I think I know of someone else who felt like me. Martha. All she wanted was to make everything perfect for her Savior. But Mary didn't care about anything. She just wanted to be by her Savior.
I wonder if Martha also worried about her appearance. Did she worry about what size she was? I don't think Mary did. I bet she was content with how she looked.
Wait! What am I saying! Women wore robes for heaven sake! Nothing form fitting, or revealing there! Hmm...maybe us women could start a new fashion trend. Just saying.
Oh, and one more thing. I am so tired of being so hard on myself. I hear myself saying ever day, "your not good enough", "no one really likes you", "people think your odd", "your not a good enough mom/wife/friend"...oh how the list could go on and on. Do you know who incredibly mentally tiring it is trying to fight off those thoughts? I know it is the devil. He knows my weaknesses. My God is stronger. But I am so weary Lord.
I found a verse in Zephaniah. Hear what God says: "The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing." (3:17) Isn't that great?! I LOVE it! He delights in me! Even when I am crabby and complaining and frustrated and "puking" all over? Romans 8:38-39 "For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." So, yup! God loves me and delights in me. No matter what.
So I started on a slightly nasty note. Why not end on a slightly nasty note.
You know how much better you feel after you finally puke? Well, that's how I feel right now. So much better. But without the nasty aftertaste!

My, how time flies!

Wow! It's been HOW long since my last entry? Isn't this how I started my last entry as well? YIKES! But how true is this statement? How time flies!! I can't believe Thanksgiving is this week! And Christmas is how many weeks away?!
You know, as this time of year brings so many of us to a time to reflect on our blessings and all that we are thankful for, it brings me to a time of anxiety. It was just over a year ago when I made amends with my parents after many months of "silence" between us. It was at that time when I gave my dad a hug, a true hug, for the first time....ever! That moment in time is etched in my mind forever! But so time goes on, and I haven't given/gotten a hug from my dad in a long time. I miss that! I'm full of anxiety because I hate the feeling I get in my very core when I seem to be the "odd ball" of the family. When my bubbly, perky, prozac personality seems to be completely different from the rest of the family. When I feel like I really am not accepted as "part of the family". I hate that! I love Joshua 1:9 ~ "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go."
It was just over a year ago when I seemed to be at the other side of the dark tunnel, looking out over a beautiful, light-filled scene free from my eating disorder and dark depression. Yes, ED has tried his hardest to work himself back into my life, but he has NOT succeeded! WHOO HOO!!!!!! I've gained weight, and love it! Yes, I have yucky days, but I love who I am! I have no idea how much I weigh, and I DON'T CARE!!
I had the privilage of sharing my testimony to a group of women a couple of weekends ago. This is something I have always wanted to do. This was a last minute thing, so I fumbled quite a bit, but I felt God orchastrating every single second and word of that testimony. But I wasn't prepared for those wounds, that I thought were healed, to be opened up. Boy did that sting. But if God used me in some way to touch just one of those women, than that pain was well worth it!
I started a new venture in my life! And I am having a blast! I am now a Premier Designs Jewelry lady! :D I love hanging out with women, talking fashion, helping them try to figure out what jewelry will go with what outfits they have, and watching their faces light up when I tell them just how much jewelry they get to pick out for free! This has been such a blessing from God.
So here I am at such a thankful time of year. What a difference a year makes. I am amazed at what God allows to happen in my life in a year. I am thankful for so much. And I'm sure it's a lot of the same stuff you are thankful for. God is good! God is faithful!
So what if things do go bad over the holidays?  What if I don't get a hug from my dad? What if certain family members make doubly sure I feel like I am not a part of the family?
SO WHAT! I matter to one person, and one person only! No, not my husband. Well, yes, I do, but that is not who I am talking about. No, not my kids, or my friends.
I am talking about my heavenly Papa!
Psalm 62:5-8 says "Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will not be shaken. My salvation and my honor depend on God; he is my mighty rock, my refuge. Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge."
God bless you!

WHEN??

Wow, it has been quite a while since I have sat down to write a new post for my blog. I have so often thought of doing it, but never gave myself the time to do it. Ah, time....I sure could use a lot more of it. :)
I feel like I have so much to write about. So much is swirling through my mind. Of course, part of me, okay, most of me, is thinking why I should even write anything. After all, aren't people getting sick and tired of hearing me "complain" about the same thing over and over and over? Well, I guess that was the point of my blog. To vent, per say, about my struggles. So, with that being said, I guess I am going to vent.
I met with my counselor last week and she asked me, "So, where is E.D. right now?" (remember Eating Disorder). I confidently answered that he was not here. Well, he was trying, but I wasn't letting him. Apparently that is all it took for him, because it seems like he has been talking louder and louder lately. I am dreading going through my winter clothes because none of them are going to fit. NONE! I'm sure you can about guess what E.D. is telling me about that one! I am so tired of this! When is he going to just leave me alone? When am I going to see myself the way others see me? When am I going to stop caring about what size I am? When am I going to stop worrying about what other people think of me? WHEN AM I GOING TO BE PERFECT? Doesn't it seem like that is what I am saying? I mean, seriously! God made me exactly how I am, inside and out! And He knows I am not perfect. Thank you God for that! Nor will I be perfect until I stand before my King. So when am I going to get a grip?
Ah, that feels good to just vent. To get it off my chest.
There is another side to this "when" in my life. It is a good side. I wonder when God is going to give me permission to stand before others and encourage them with my life story? I have such a passion to tell other women about the REAL me. To let them know what I have been through. The heartaches and tears of my childhood. The tears and agony of struggling with an eating disorder. I know there will come a time. But it needs to be His time.
I wonder when my King will return to take me to that special ball where I will be perfect. That makes me smile just thinking about it. I bet I won't be complaining about what size I am!
When will I get it? Hm, good question. Tomorrow? That would be just fine with me.
One thing is for sure. God sure has surrounded me with amazing people who have supported me and helped me through this long struggle of getting rid of E.D. That is such an amazing gift from Him. There is no way I would have made it this far on my own.
God is good! WHEN? All the time, God is good!
God bless you!
Jenny

Frustrated!

If you have been following me through this blog with my life journeys, you will remember a few weeks ago I wrote about my "sensitivity". How I take things too seriously. How I "wear my heart on my sleeve", etc. Well, for the last week or so, I have really been thinking about this, and it has gotten me quite frustrated. It seems like, for me, that the lack of boldness goes along with my sensitivity. Well, to a degree. Actually, as I am typing this, thoughts are just swirling around my head as to how this statement is only true some of the time.
For instance, I have absolutely no problem getting up on stage in front of other people. No problem at all. For my birthday, my family took me to a restaurant and made it very known that it was my birthday, so I had to stand on a chair. No problem.
However, why am I so afraid to do something that I want to do? I have been "dreaming", in a sense, of doing something for the past year or so, but won't do it. I am too afraid of what other people will think, or what they will say to me. I'm afraid that no one will support me. That frustrates me!
When someone treats me a little stand-offish (yes, that is my word), I instantly feel like I am a creep! Why can't I just right away acknowledge that person, strike up a friendly conversation, and be nice. Maybe that person didn't recognize me at first. It is so frustrating to me!
I remember when I was younger, I used to stand in the middle of our living room and pretend I was a singer and a speaker. Oh, I had lots to speak about. But I remember someone telling me that I could never be a singer, because in order to do that, I needed to have voice lessons, and I wasn't good enough for that.
I remember when I was in high school trying to figure out what I was going to do with my life, I would throw out all different ideas for a career. I even went as far as to think about being a lawyer and living in a big city. Far cry from my life now as a stay at home mom living on a pig farm! Haa! But I remember my dad telling me honestly that I would never be able to do that because I didn't have good enough grades. Thank you dad for talking me out of that one! But, deep down inside, I wonder if it bothered me more than I knew. There is no way my dad was putting me down, but did I feel that way? Was I not smart enough?
What is keeping me from just doing what I want to do? From being brave enough?
Is it God? Is this His way of telling me "not now"? Or is He trying to tell me "go for it", and I am digging my heels in the dirt because I am too afraid? This is so frustrating!
If you will remember, I love to compare myself to other women. And one area is their "accomplishments". I am so quick to think, "well, she has 4 kids and she does this and this and this and this. Why can't I do something?" Or, "wow, she went back to school and now does that and she is a mom of 5?" Uuuuggggggg! So frustrating!
Where is my self-esteem when I need it? Where is my boldness when I need it? Where is my "who cares what other people think" attitude when I need it?
I think I need to get back to the feet of my Savior. I need to stop the noise and listen intently to my God. If He allows me to do what I would like to do, then that is a gift from Him! And He will bless it. Regardless of what others think or say.
Only He will make my paths known to me.
God bless you!

It's Time!

This morning I decided was a perfect morning for a walk! So I put on my tennis shoes, turned on my MP3 player, and away I went. I love morning walks! The beautiful sunrises! Listening to my favorite worship songs. Just me and my God. It's peace. It's quiet.

I have had a lot of "junk" swirling around in my head again lately. A lot of the "what if" thoughts. A lot of anxiety. A lot of negativity. This morning on my walk, I listened to a song by Nichole Nordeman called "I AM", and I realized that despite all my talks to myself and to others about ME, it's time to focus on my God and His goodness! It's time to jot down His attributes and His names that mean so much to me. After all, my life is all about Him. Not me. If it weren't for Him, I would not be the woman I am today. Doing His work. Whatever that may be.

MY GOD IS:
Holy, Awesome, Amazing, Healer, Forgiver, Sustainer, Provider, my Papa, Deliverer, my Superhero, I Am, Compassionate, Gracious, Slow to Anger, Abounding in Love, my Best Friend, my Messiah, Shepherd, Savior, Redeemer, my Rock, my Lord, Perfect....

...my list could go on and on! He is so worthy of all this and so much more.
I had a thought this morning. We are adding a bathroom on to our bedroom and it seems like it is taking FOREVER! I was feeling quiet upset this morning about it and as I was walking I thought, "it's only a bathroom! What if I was this passionate about Jesus returning? What if I was this impatient for Him to come again?" This isn't the first time I have had this thought, and it really put things into perspective for me. Is my life reflecting all those names that I have given my Lord? Do people see Him in me? No matter what happens in my life? No matter what He may have in store for me?

As I am busy typing this blog, I thought of something. And I am kind of going out on a limb here, but I'm going to try it. I know that as you have read this you have thought of other names for our God. If you have, I would love for you to share them with me. Post a comment with those names. Let's see how many attributes we can give our God!
God bless you!

Once Again

What a wonderful day today was! We were able to go to church and worship our Lord and Savior, and I was able to do absolutely nothing for the rest of the day.
My day started out pretty normal. Very slow and lazy. Before I knew it, it was time to get ready for church. I went to go pick out an outfit, and ONCE AGAIN, pretty much nothing fit! No, I don't mean the typical "nothing" so that I can go shopping :). I mean I put on a pair of my favorite, dressy capris, and the pockets were majorly pulling! I thought my favorite blouse would cover the "snug look", however, my blouse was even smaller than my capris! Oh, I was able to get it buttoned, but the 2 inch gap in between the buttons was not going to work for church! So, ONCE AGAIN, the overwhelming feeling came over me. I am F-A-T! And, ONCE AGAIN, my loving husband reasurred me I wasn't, and that I was beautiful.
So, finding something that was incredibly tight, but worked, I went on to ONCE AGAIN plaster makeup on my face and do my hair just right so that I could look just right.....at church. ONCE AGAIN, I became more concerned about my looks than my attitude toward God.
ONCE AGAIN I allowed myself to hear ED (remember - Eating Disorder). He told me I needed to loose all this weight again. If only I could get back down to where I was just a few short months ago, all those cute clothes would fit. But I told myself I didn't want to go back to "dieting". I love to eat! I am enjoying eating! (I have a bowl of ice cream sitting next to me right now as I am typing this.) The thought of watching every little morsel that I eat makes me sad. I don't want to go there again, but I don't want to keep gaining weight either! I hate this! I hate this! ONCE AGAIN, ED is knocking on my door and I am trying, with all my strength, to keep the door closed! I am beautiful........right????

However! ONCE AGAIN, God reminded me throughout this week of the many, wonderful, true friends I have and how loved I am. ONCE AGAIN, God reminded me, this week, that my family is, indeed, right by my side, every step of the way, and they do love me and are proud of me. ONCE AGAIN, God has put visions in my mind of me dancing with Him someday. I invision it to be in a huge ball room. And everyone is watching. Something like Cinderella.

Psalm 71:21 says, "You will increase my honor and comfort me ONCE AGAIN".

ONCE AGAIN, I am in awe of God and His love for me and His concern for me.

God bless you!

Give it all you've got!

I took this saying from a movie my kids were watching this morning that I caught glimpses of. In one of the scenes that I saw, this phrase was repeated several times. It made me think of myself in so many ways.
My family and I had quite a weekend. Words like fun, excitement, love, acceptance, hatred, unexceptence, cutting down, all seem to sum it up.
I have always been known as a very sensitive person. (I know, for those of you reading this that know me well, you are laughing in agreement, aren't you?) I have been told "you take things too seriously", "you wear your heart on your sleeve", "I can read you like a book", etc. I hate hearing that, it hurts. That would be me. Ms. Sensitivity!
This weekend I was belittled, looked down on, hated, and blamed. I don't do well with that. In fact, yup, confession time, I even told my husband that I didn't want to be around anymore. Everyone would be so much better off without me. Okay, so maybe I didn't mean it, and I certainly didn't mean to send my husband into a panic. But that is how I felt.
But this morning God used one little phrase from a movie to give me a huge reminder. "Give it all you've got." Life isn't going to be perfect. HELLO! I have enough experience in that department!
Just because I'm a Princess doesn't mean all is going to be well. God says in John 16:33 "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." And he also says in Deuteronomy 31:8 "The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. DO not be afraid; do not be discouraged."
So if God promises that he is never going to leave me, that I am not to be afraid or discouraged, that I am to take heart, than for heaven's sake how come I am not giving it all I've got?
I'm not sure what God has planned for my life. I want to follow Him and Him only 100%. I don't know what that means, or what I may need to do, or whom I need to let go. But I do know one thing, I am totally going to commit to GIVING IT ALL I'VE GOT!
God bless you!