Frustrated!

If you have been following me through this blog with my life journeys, you will remember a few weeks ago I wrote about my "sensitivity". How I take things too seriously. How I "wear my heart on my sleeve", etc. Well, for the last week or so, I have really been thinking about this, and it has gotten me quite frustrated. It seems like, for me, that the lack of boldness goes along with my sensitivity. Well, to a degree. Actually, as I am typing this, thoughts are just swirling around my head as to how this statement is only true some of the time.
For instance, I have absolutely no problem getting up on stage in front of other people. No problem at all. For my birthday, my family took me to a restaurant and made it very known that it was my birthday, so I had to stand on a chair. No problem.
However, why am I so afraid to do something that I want to do? I have been "dreaming", in a sense, of doing something for the past year or so, but won't do it. I am too afraid of what other people will think, or what they will say to me. I'm afraid that no one will support me. That frustrates me!
When someone treats me a little stand-offish (yes, that is my word), I instantly feel like I am a creep! Why can't I just right away acknowledge that person, strike up a friendly conversation, and be nice. Maybe that person didn't recognize me at first. It is so frustrating to me!
I remember when I was younger, I used to stand in the middle of our living room and pretend I was a singer and a speaker. Oh, I had lots to speak about. But I remember someone telling me that I could never be a singer, because in order to do that, I needed to have voice lessons, and I wasn't good enough for that.
I remember when I was in high school trying to figure out what I was going to do with my life, I would throw out all different ideas for a career. I even went as far as to think about being a lawyer and living in a big city. Far cry from my life now as a stay at home mom living on a pig farm! Haa! But I remember my dad telling me honestly that I would never be able to do that because I didn't have good enough grades. Thank you dad for talking me out of that one! But, deep down inside, I wonder if it bothered me more than I knew. There is no way my dad was putting me down, but did I feel that way? Was I not smart enough?
What is keeping me from just doing what I want to do? From being brave enough?
Is it God? Is this His way of telling me "not now"? Or is He trying to tell me "go for it", and I am digging my heels in the dirt because I am too afraid? This is so frustrating!
If you will remember, I love to compare myself to other women. And one area is their "accomplishments". I am so quick to think, "well, she has 4 kids and she does this and this and this and this. Why can't I do something?" Or, "wow, she went back to school and now does that and she is a mom of 5?" Uuuuggggggg! So frustrating!
Where is my self-esteem when I need it? Where is my boldness when I need it? Where is my "who cares what other people think" attitude when I need it?
I think I need to get back to the feet of my Savior. I need to stop the noise and listen intently to my God. If He allows me to do what I would like to do, then that is a gift from Him! And He will bless it. Regardless of what others think or say.
Only He will make my paths known to me.
God bless you!

It's Time!

This morning I decided was a perfect morning for a walk! So I put on my tennis shoes, turned on my MP3 player, and away I went. I love morning walks! The beautiful sunrises! Listening to my favorite worship songs. Just me and my God. It's peace. It's quiet.

I have had a lot of "junk" swirling around in my head again lately. A lot of the "what if" thoughts. A lot of anxiety. A lot of negativity. This morning on my walk, I listened to a song by Nichole Nordeman called "I AM", and I realized that despite all my talks to myself and to others about ME, it's time to focus on my God and His goodness! It's time to jot down His attributes and His names that mean so much to me. After all, my life is all about Him. Not me. If it weren't for Him, I would not be the woman I am today. Doing His work. Whatever that may be.

MY GOD IS:
Holy, Awesome, Amazing, Healer, Forgiver, Sustainer, Provider, my Papa, Deliverer, my Superhero, I Am, Compassionate, Gracious, Slow to Anger, Abounding in Love, my Best Friend, my Messiah, Shepherd, Savior, Redeemer, my Rock, my Lord, Perfect....

...my list could go on and on! He is so worthy of all this and so much more.
I had a thought this morning. We are adding a bathroom on to our bedroom and it seems like it is taking FOREVER! I was feeling quiet upset this morning about it and as I was walking I thought, "it's only a bathroom! What if I was this passionate about Jesus returning? What if I was this impatient for Him to come again?" This isn't the first time I have had this thought, and it really put things into perspective for me. Is my life reflecting all those names that I have given my Lord? Do people see Him in me? No matter what happens in my life? No matter what He may have in store for me?

As I am busy typing this blog, I thought of something. And I am kind of going out on a limb here, but I'm going to try it. I know that as you have read this you have thought of other names for our God. If you have, I would love for you to share them with me. Post a comment with those names. Let's see how many attributes we can give our God!
God bless you!

Once Again

What a wonderful day today was! We were able to go to church and worship our Lord and Savior, and I was able to do absolutely nothing for the rest of the day.
My day started out pretty normal. Very slow and lazy. Before I knew it, it was time to get ready for church. I went to go pick out an outfit, and ONCE AGAIN, pretty much nothing fit! No, I don't mean the typical "nothing" so that I can go shopping :). I mean I put on a pair of my favorite, dressy capris, and the pockets were majorly pulling! I thought my favorite blouse would cover the "snug look", however, my blouse was even smaller than my capris! Oh, I was able to get it buttoned, but the 2 inch gap in between the buttons was not going to work for church! So, ONCE AGAIN, the overwhelming feeling came over me. I am F-A-T! And, ONCE AGAIN, my loving husband reasurred me I wasn't, and that I was beautiful.
So, finding something that was incredibly tight, but worked, I went on to ONCE AGAIN plaster makeup on my face and do my hair just right so that I could look just right.....at church. ONCE AGAIN, I became more concerned about my looks than my attitude toward God.
ONCE AGAIN I allowed myself to hear ED (remember - Eating Disorder). He told me I needed to loose all this weight again. If only I could get back down to where I was just a few short months ago, all those cute clothes would fit. But I told myself I didn't want to go back to "dieting". I love to eat! I am enjoying eating! (I have a bowl of ice cream sitting next to me right now as I am typing this.) The thought of watching every little morsel that I eat makes me sad. I don't want to go there again, but I don't want to keep gaining weight either! I hate this! I hate this! ONCE AGAIN, ED is knocking on my door and I am trying, with all my strength, to keep the door closed! I am beautiful........right????

However! ONCE AGAIN, God reminded me throughout this week of the many, wonderful, true friends I have and how loved I am. ONCE AGAIN, God reminded me, this week, that my family is, indeed, right by my side, every step of the way, and they do love me and are proud of me. ONCE AGAIN, God has put visions in my mind of me dancing with Him someday. I invision it to be in a huge ball room. And everyone is watching. Something like Cinderella.

Psalm 71:21 says, "You will increase my honor and comfort me ONCE AGAIN".

ONCE AGAIN, I am in awe of God and His love for me and His concern for me.

God bless you!

Give it all you've got!

I took this saying from a movie my kids were watching this morning that I caught glimpses of. In one of the scenes that I saw, this phrase was repeated several times. It made me think of myself in so many ways.
My family and I had quite a weekend. Words like fun, excitement, love, acceptance, hatred, unexceptence, cutting down, all seem to sum it up.
I have always been known as a very sensitive person. (I know, for those of you reading this that know me well, you are laughing in agreement, aren't you?) I have been told "you take things too seriously", "you wear your heart on your sleeve", "I can read you like a book", etc. I hate hearing that, it hurts. That would be me. Ms. Sensitivity!
This weekend I was belittled, looked down on, hated, and blamed. I don't do well with that. In fact, yup, confession time, I even told my husband that I didn't want to be around anymore. Everyone would be so much better off without me. Okay, so maybe I didn't mean it, and I certainly didn't mean to send my husband into a panic. But that is how I felt.
But this morning God used one little phrase from a movie to give me a huge reminder. "Give it all you've got." Life isn't going to be perfect. HELLO! I have enough experience in that department!
Just because I'm a Princess doesn't mean all is going to be well. God says in John 16:33 "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." And he also says in Deuteronomy 31:8 "The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. DO not be afraid; do not be discouraged."
So if God promises that he is never going to leave me, that I am not to be afraid or discouraged, that I am to take heart, than for heaven's sake how come I am not giving it all I've got?
I'm not sure what God has planned for my life. I want to follow Him and Him only 100%. I don't know what that means, or what I may need to do, or whom I need to let go. But I do know one thing, I am totally going to commit to GIVING IT ALL I'VE GOT!
God bless you!